Self Care As A Stay At Home Mom Is About Finding Rest And Calm In The Chaos
We had our 1st 2 babies 18 months apart, and then had 3 kids under 4. I wouldnt change a thing, except for taking better care of myself. Which 1st means defining whats necessary to stay mentally healthy. To find daily moments of rest. Id focus on:
- Feeding myself nutritious food
- Finding quiet moments
How Do I Make Time For Myself As A Sahm
Babysitters aren’t just for date nights and other special occasions. If you can afford it, try to make it a point to arrange childcare for a morning or an afternoon when you need time for yourself or ask a family member if they can watch the kids, or even see if your partner can come home a little early from work. Clear a few hours every week or month when you can to get out of the house to join a workout class, get a massage, or even just eat lunch and read a book in the park quietly by yourself.
Get your partner involved by leaving them with the kids while you go to the gym, or have them shoulder most of the responsibilities of getting your children fed, dressed, and out the door for school in the morning so you can sneak in a workout, a shower, or a few extra minutes of sleep.
If your partner gets home from work early enough, allow them to have a special portion of the evening routine with your kids, such as giving them a bath or reading them a bedtime story. On weekends, split birthday party drop-offs, play dates, and sports and other extracurricular duties with your partner, so you can reclaim some time for yourself.
What Can Cause Stahm Depression
My best guess is its all the things.
Its the struggle to feel seen, productive, its the constant worry you are doing something wrong, its the unending need for more and more patience, its the lack of understanding from those that arent living the same life, and the severe lack of societal appreciation for the effort and talent it takes to run a home well.
It could be the long hours with few real mental or physical breaks. It might be the guilt you have for expressing anything but gratitude for your job even though in other roles its okay to love what you are doing and also get worn out from it sometimes too.
Its possible that the break-neck pace of keeping up with kids all day long may leave you mentally and physically depleted and more susceptible to mental illness. These are just a few of my guesses even acknowledging all the ways the job isnt easy, the guilt for not loving every moment at home with my kids with perfection is still real and relentless.
Lets explore what anxiety and depression looks like and how we can overcome as stay-at-home parents.
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Who Is At Risk Of Being A Depressed Stay
It doesnt matter if youve been a stay-at-home mom for years or are new to the situation, depression can affect everyone. The greatest people at risk are those whose personal wishes go against their current circumstances and those with a predisposition to depression.
In this case, SAHMs who want to work but are unable to are most often affected by depression. Usually, this is due to the cost of childcare.
The average cost to provide child care in the U.S. is $1,230 a month for an infant. With median income, an average of 18% of income would be needed to cover the cost of childcare for an infant. This often means that it doesnt make sense to pay for childcare and have both parents work for many families.
We cannot always assume that someone who is a stay-at-home mom has chosen to be one.
A study by Gallup interviewed over 60,000 women in the U.S. and found that 28% of stay-at-home moms reported feeling depressed during the day compared to 17% of employed mothers. Employed women without kids also report 17%.
Regardless of being a mother or not, employment greatly reduces depression symptoms.
Start A New Mom Group
Dont see a group in your area that fits your needs or interests? Create one!
This may not be a project youre ready for the first few weeks after birth, but a couple of months later, theres no reason you cant create what you need. Websites like Facebook, MeetUp.com, and NextDoor.com can provide a platform to find other moms who would like to join your group. The local library, community center, or your place of worship can also be a place to find members for your new group.
Dont forget about mining groups you were a part of before you gave birth. Did you attend a childbirth education class? Or attend a pregnancy-focused fitness class? You might find your people there.
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Can Men Get It Too
Yes, men are also at risk of stay-at-home dad depression.
As more fathers choose to be a stay at home dad, the number of fathers diagnosed with depression have also risen. The symptoms of depression for stay-at-home dads are the same as SAHMs and treatment should be the same.
There has been less research on depressed stay-at-home dads, but they face two stigmas due to their gender:
Both are seen as signs of weakness due to gender norms. Society places a great emphasis on men as the strong supporters of a family. Not doing so can feel like a threat to their masculinity.
Because of all of this, fathers might be more likely to mask their symptoms.
Youll Make Some Of The Best Memories With Your Baby
Seriously. Some days, when I felt down about my life and lonely , I just replayed a timeline of special moments with my baby in my head.
I would have never made some of those memories with my baby girl if I was working, exhausted, stressed when I came home. And those days I was working, Id come home and it would be my babys bedtime.
I thought of us not having my income as buying an abundance amount of time with my baby when becoming a stay at home mom. When we know you cant actually buy time. And our babies are only babies once and for a short amount of time.
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Repetitive Tasks And Lack Of Sense Of Accomplishment
If its the newborn phase, youre a new mom, you have no idea what youre doing and you dont have any help, you basically fall into this rut of taking care of your newborn and doing the chores on repeat. Every damn day.
This was me before, with my newborn.
The to-do list seems never ending and unfulfilling. It might seem like small, minute tasks like cleaning the baby bottles, throwing the trash, washing the dishes, folding the laundry, etc., but they all pile up.
And no matter how many times you do it and finish a task, theres always a new one waiting to be done. It doesnt seem like youve accomplished anything at the end of the day because your house is still a mess. And this is on top of taking care of little kids.
How To Deal With Stay At Home Mom Depression
If youre experiencing any of the real health concerns that weve mentioned above, dont worry. Just like any other illness, depression can be cured. Here are some of the ways you can deal with it:
Acknowledge the Situation
The first step toward dealing with depression is to acknowledge that you are going through a tough time. It can be difficult for anyone who suffers from depression but is especially tough for moms. Remember that there is nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. In fact, dealing with depression will help you enjoy your time with the kids better and help you be more present in their lives!
Try to Talk to Your Partner
Fighting depression as a stay-at-home mom can become easier if you talk to your partner about it. Try to communicate what you are going through. This can be difficult, but it is important to try to find a way to express how you are feeling. This will not only make you feel more acknowledged but will also help your partner understand your needs better.
Make Time for Yourself
Parents of young kids find it difficult to make time for themselves. You should work to get at least a few minutes as me-time for yourself. It could be a long shower with quality essential oils or reading a book before going to sleep. You can also watch your favorite show or movie.
Find New Ways to Entertain Your Kids
Make Time for Exercise
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Things That You Can Do To Help Deal W/ Stay At Home Mom Depression
Seek professional help Ive sought the help of a psychiatrist, and of a therapist. I have weekly phone sessions with my therapist at the moment.
Contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration online or by calling. SAMHSAs National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Take it one day at a time My anxiety increases when I think about things I have to do tomorrow or the next day, or the next week, etc. I have to focus on today and right now or nothing will get done
Practice self-care Walking outside in the fresh air helps. Sometimes I will even sit in my car just to get a break. And I enjoy giving myself manicures.
Improve time management I keep a planner as well as a to-do list. I write down all the things that I would like to get done that day in order of importance. Whatever doesnt get done, I add to the next days list.
Find your tribe At the moment, Im working on building relationships with other mothers on social media. Its nice to know you arent going through things alone.
Find ways to express yourself At the coercion of my therapist, I am starting a youtube channel. I also post weekly on my IGTV. Both of these outlets will be beneficial in meeting other moms in similar situations.
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It Can Get Pretty Lonely
Its a thing being a depressed stay at home mom with no friends. And believe it or not, its hard for moms to make mom friends.
This can especially be hard during times of the pandemic with everyone wanting to stay home more often. But a great resource has been , , and where these social networks help connect moms with various things in common.
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Why Are Sahms Sad
But why are stay-at-home moms more depressed and experiencing more negative emotions?
Many adults arent prepared for the immense amount of change in their lives that a child can bring. Reproductive health psychologist Sara Rosenquist in North Carolina and Washington, D.C. says that when someone has a baby in our culture, or even adopts a child, they can lose status, income, friends and the life they knew and were used to.
They also gain the wonderful thing they had sought after oftentimes, says Rosenquist, but the loss is every bit as real.
One reason stay-at-home moms might feel more down than working moms is a lack of appreciation or a missing sense of accomplishment. At the end of the day, working moms can list a set of tasks they conquered, explains North Carolina licensed counselor Erika Myers.
But it can be difficult for a SAHM to pinpoint what she did during the day, even if shes been busy the entire time.
Moms do a lot of work but dont get paid for it, therapist and psychology professor Diane Lang in New Jersey says. They work 365 days a year with no sick time, vacation time or time paid off.
How A Stay At Home Moms Can Make Friends
One way for a stay at home mom making friends is by connecting with other moms. According to experts, it is one great way of combating loneliness. Your life is similar to them, meaning that there are many things you have in common. Someone close who understands how the hustle of being a mom is like. A friend you can have a brunch or coffee date with and release stress by sharing parenting challenges and ideas.
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Not Being A Part Of Mom Groups
Motherhood can be the doorway to numerous social interactions. From parent-teacher associations to homeschooling clubs, to scouting and Mommy and Me types of classes, to the carpool lane, you are likely going to make some of your closet friends through your motherhood role.
However, these connections dont show up on your first day, week, or even month of parenthood. As a new mom, you havent yet connected with the mom-network.
What Is A Mom Tribe
Its a small group of women who get you. When youre with them, you dont apologize for your messy house or your kids running through theirs. You parent similarly, so zone parenting rules apply and we all step in to help. You bring donuts to each other on shitty days and you motivate each other to finally start working out again. You spend weekend evenings having impromptu dinners in the front yard and you wouldnt think about grabbing a mani pedi without asking them to join you. Homegoods is never, ever a solo trip. Theyll either talk you out of buying the giant metal rooster or theyll talk you into it. Either way, youre coming home with sh*t you never knew you needed to own.
When I found my Mom Tribe, I was finally able to take a breath and realize that this inclusion, this feeling like people really get me, these moments of laughing until you pee your pants , felt right. It felt incredible.
We picked each others kids up in carpools. We grocery shopped together. We snuck out for movies after the kids were in bed. Playdates in the backyard were almost always accompanied by a beer or two. Which morphed into throwing together a dinner and more beers with the husbands. Which inevitably led to walking home and picking the car up in the morning. A perfect evening.
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Treatment Of Sahm Depression
Depression doesnt manifest itself uniformly, and the same is true specifically for depression for stay-at-home moms. While the overall condition totes a general array of symptoms, the actual symptoms present in a stay-at-home mother may vary from person to person. For example, a person may experience the feeling of hopelessness and their appetite may change, but they may not experience sleep disturbances.
As a result, an experienced healthcare practitioner can work with someone believed to be struggling with stay-at-home mom depression and treat each patient according to their specific symptoms. The treatments typically include a combination of psychotherapy, medication and lifestyle changes.
Why New Moms Feel Lonely
Although life changes, in general, are known to cause feelings of loneliness and disconnection, becoming a first-time mother takes the cake.
For instance, pregnancy and childbirth take a hard toll on a womans body.
With postpartum recovery lasting anywhere between 6 weeks and 18+ months, new mothers may find it very difficult to go out and see their friends.
Even more, the arrival of a new baby can cause moms to experience postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and postpartum rage .
In a survey of over 2,000 moms in the U.K.:
9 out of 10 women reported feeling lonely after having children, with 54% of new mothers admitting to feeling friendless after giving birth.
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What If I Get Bored Or Depressed As A Stay
Although you’re surrounded by your kids all day, being a stay-at-home mom or dad can get lonely and feel isolating. In fact, maternal burnout has been associated with depression and anxiety symptoms.
The best thing you can do is honor your feelings and don’t try to downplay or ignore them. Ask yourself: What could help make me feel more supported and appreciated for the work I do at home? What can I do to refill my cup so that I can continue to show up for my family?
Identify ways you can make time for yourself to do things that make you happy. Then, talk to your partner about how they can help make these ideas part of your schedule. By prioritizing yourself, you’ll feel more connected to your pre-SAHM life, giving you a sense of satisfaction and passion.
Some ideas to help you stave off boredom and prevent stay-at-home mom depression include:
The Number Of Lonely Moms
Unfortunately, these numbers arent looking any better for moms.
According to research conducted by the British Red Cross and Co-op in 2018:
A staggering 82%of mothers under the age of 30feel lonely some of the time, while 43% feel lonely often or always.
However, its not just women under 30 who are feeling the brunt of this loneliness.
New moms, stay-at-home moms, and single moms are especially at risk of feeling lonely, too.
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Youll Feel Less Bored Depressed Lonely And Socially Isolated As A Stay At Home Mom If You Find Mom Friends
3. You Need to Be Reminded Youre Not In This Alone
Whatever parenting problems or concerns youre facing, I guarantee youre not the only one going through it. Baby wont breastfeed? Ive been there. Kid wont for the love of anything sleep? Yep. Picky eater, kid wont listen, Godzilla sized tantrums? Yep, yep, and yep.
And chances are your Mom Friends are dealing with the same stuff. And if theyre not personally, they know others who are. They will remind you that youre not in this alone. That its all normal. Theyll remind you of something old that used to work. Or give you new ideas, a shoulder to cry on, or a cocktail.
Mom Friends are the ones who will show you a tighter swaddle wrap or a new gadget thats a lifesaver or will come up with a creative solution to your kid picking her nose in public.
4. Your Husband and Your Mom Can Not Replace Girl Friends
You might have an incredible spouse who happens to be your best friend. Mine is. But hes not a girl. Hes not going to understand sore nipples, and widened hips, and want to talk about the gorgeous UPS guy who is always on your street.
Your spouse might be the most amazing co-parent ever. But Stay at Home moms still need girlfriends.
Likewise, your mom could also be your best friend. Your go-to for advice and hanging out. Mine is.