Try Home Remedies First
Look at the basics of his life: does he need more sleep? Is he exercising? Is he drinking alcohol excessively? If hes open to changing in these areas, help him make the adjustments. Schedule an appointment with his doctor to have his physical condition assessed just in case there is a physical reason for his depression.
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Embracing Your Role As A Spouse
As a spouse, you have three roles to playa friend, a partner, and a lover. On this one-day Focus on the Family broadcast, Pastor Kevin A. Thompson explores those different roles and challenges you to live them out by investing emotionally, physically, and mentally in your relationship. As friends, he suggests we learn to play and laugh together. As partners, he equips us with solid ways to handle conflict and communication. As lovers, he offers some thoughts on how to bring back the sizzle. He shares five keys to saving your marriage: humility, respect, mercy, communication, and resilience. Youll be encouraged to intentionally invest in your marriage.
Accept That There Will Be Bad Days
People with depression have good days and bad days. To deal with the bad days:
- expect that they will happen
- understand that this is a normal part of depression
- do not withdraw love or support during these times
- take some time out and do something enjoyable, either alone or with others
- remember that not every day will be like this there will be good days too
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Find A Mental Health Counselor For The Two Of You
Depression affects both of youand your whole family. The Lowes suggest finding a therapist or counselor who has worked with depression in couples. You may have issues to deal with individually as the depressed person, and the two of you may have issues to deal with that stem from coping with depression, Lowe says. We found it very helpful to have a counselor we could see together at times and separately at other times.
Sharing Your Faith With Grace And Purpose
You can confidently and lovingly share your faithyou just need to learn some new tactics to do so! In this Focus on the Family Daily Broadcast, apologist Greg Koukl outlines the Columbo tactic of asking questions, the self-defeating argument tactic to find holes in your opponents arguments, and other specific methods for engaging in faith-building conversations with others. Greg pulls from his over 30 years of experience debating atheists and agnostics to help you share your faith with grace and truth.
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Appreciate Him Three Times A Day
Heres where we are so far: youre happy and your husband sees that, and he knows he can succeed in making you happy.
He also knows you think hes competent and capable.
Hes even feeling the glow of knowing that hes solved your problem.
Who wouldnt be feeling more optimistic already, right?
You might even catch him whistling, or laughing, or making bedroom eyes at you again, like his old self.
Thats how successful and light hes going to feel when you implement these suggestions. And thats true if hes been diagnosed with depression and hes on medication, or hes been diagnosed and hes not on medication, or he refuses to get diagnosed.
None of that matters nearly as much as what he sees when he looks in his wife-mirror.
Now its time to put the frosting on the frosting by appreciating him at least three times a day for his contributions, big or small.
You can be grateful he made your coffee, or shuttled one of the kids to their lessons, or that he works so hard to support the family .
Appreciate that he unloaded the dishwasher, that he listened to your problem, and that he was so accommodating when your family was over.
Acknowledge that he lightens your load because he takes good care of the cars, handles the taxes or whacks the weeds.
When you do, youll no longer find yourself tempted to tell him to snap out of it.
You wont need to because soon, he will be out of the depressed fog and seeing possibilities and feeling hopeful.
Signs Your Depression Is Affecting Your Relationship
When you live with depression, its difficult to see beyond your own mood. You may not realize, until its too late, that your mood is damaging your relationship with your spouse. These people have been through that experience and can highlight the warning signs:
I Didnt Know I Was Depressed. Sarah K.
Its impossible to not let depression wreck your marriage if you dont even know youre depressed. Thats what happened to me. I had started to feel like my life was not my own, that my husband had made all the decisions and I was stuck with it. I got angry. I picked fights with him. I cried myself to sleep and then refused to get out of bed in the morning.
When he suggested we go to marriage counseling, I agreed but got a big surprise: All my anger, said the therapist, was really depression. The diagnosis was a shock, but getting treatment was the best choice. I worked on myself, and then we worked on our marriage together.
I Lost Interest in My Marriage. Melissa P.
My depressive episodes have always left me feeling unengaged and uninterested. I stop enjoying running, a passion of mine. I didnt want to hang out with my friends or play with my kids. What I failed to recognize until it was too late was that this apathy was killing my husband.
I Had an Affair to Try to Feel Something. Justin M.
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Avoid The Vicious Circle
If your depressed spouse withdraws from you or has angry outbursts all the time, itâs easy to feel hurt and alienated, and react with similar behaviors, says Jacques Barber, PhD, Dean, Gordon F. Derner School of Psychology at Adelphi University in Garden City, NY.
âThis can create a vicious circle and make the spouse with depression even more depressed, alienated, angry, and retreating into themselves,â he says. âYou have to realize that dealing with depression is very difficult, and your partner isnât doing something malicious. Itâs the depression. If someoneâs angry with you all the time, you want to be angry back! But remember: Depression isnât contagious. This wonât last forever and can be treated. Itâs easy to blame yourself. But most couples do survive this.â
Should you schedule an intervention with other friends and family to approach your depressed spouse about their issues? Be careful before you take this step, Ben-David says.
âItâs important not to be accusatory. Itâs more important to observe and let them know what youâve noticed. Say, âIâve seen you looking more sullen and unhappy.â Talk about the changes youâve observed,â he says. Itâs OK to share your feelings too, and let your spouse know that youâre hurt by specific behavior changes. âTell them, âWeâre not having sex anymore. Youâre not spending time with me.ââ
How To Help My Depressed Husband
Written by Jeff Johnson
Its another morning where you are getting ready for work, but your husband is still in bed with the covers pulled over his head. Hes been listless like this for a couple of weeks, barely able to function most mornings, and when he gets home from work he is frequently exhausted, which means he is easily irritated by the most minor things. He doesnt eat like he used to in fact, hes lost interest in many of the things that he used to enjoy. He says he feels sad, and you feel the sameyou miss the man you married, and you are wondering if he will ever come back.
Living through a major depressive episode is gruelingfor both the person with the disorder and his spouse. As depression takes its toll on your husbands well-being, you may also feel depleted, angry, frustrated and hopeless, just like he does. When your husband is depressed, it completely throws the balance and routines of your relationship off-kilter. You both may be strugglingwhile your husband is working through his depression, you are probably going into overdrive to compensate for his disengagement. This can be profoundly tiring for you you love your husband and want to help him feel better, but often you feel despair because you dont know what to do.
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What If The Relationship Doesnt Work Anymore
There are always two people in a relationship. If one of the two people no longer wants to invest in the relationship, sooner or later the relationship will break down. It cant always come from one side, even though there may be times when it seems that way. It could be that the two of you are at a completely different point in the relationship.
Talking a lot with each other, but also listening well can get a deadlocked relationship back on track. Of course, both of you must be willing to put in the time and energy into the relationship. Sometimes it takes a lot of stamina and patience.
Help from a third party, for example a relationship therapist, can help you. But the most important thing is that you both invest enough in each other. But be careful not to sit around and wait for the other person. Talk a lot with each other and try to work it out together. That sometimes takes a lot of time. Especially when pain and sorrow has been built up over the years. Sometimes it can feel like youre pulling a dead horse, but when there is still love, there is hope.
Be Alert For Relapses
About 85 percent of people who suffer a bout of major depression will have a relapse within a decadeand half will have a recurrence within a year, according to a study published in International Journal of Neuropharmacology. The researchers recommended a maintenance dose of antidepressants and/or therapy to prevent a relapse. Both spouses should also stay alert for signs that the illness is returning, Walfish adds.
Caring for a depressed spouse can be lonely, overwhelming, and emotionally draining, she says. You may blame yourself, feel helpless, grow pessimistic, lose your sense of humor, and even consider leaving. Its easy for the non-depressed spouse to become angry and frustrated with an irritable, lethargic mate whos pessimistic and critical, who cant unload the dishwasher, or who cant get the kids ready for bed anymorelet alone make love, ask how youre doing, or acknowledge that youve been holding things together for weeks, months, or years.
This starts a cycle that burns you out and doesnt help your partner at all, Scott-Lowe notes. I did this with DennisI would become extremely angry with him. Then I would feel really guilty and try to make up for it by taking on more and more around the house. Then I would get angry all over again. This wasnt helping Dennis, of course, and it was wearing me out emotionally and physically.
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How To Deal With A Depressed Husband: 3 Things You Must Know
Dont know how to deal with a depressed husband? Watching someone you love experience depression can make you feel frustrated and helpless. You may not know the right things to say or do, or you may not be able to understand what theyre going through. You might also fear making the depression worse if you cant offer the support they need. Loving someone with depression is challenging, but there are plenty of things you can do to help your partner through depression. Heres how to deal with a depressed husband.
Giving Up Sugar Tasting God’s Goodness
As a latchkey kid, Wendy Speake turned to sugar for comfort. Every Friday, she would pedal to the candy show and use her allowance to fill her bag with candy. And one day, when she was older and a mom of three young boys, she came to realize that she was still pedaling away from her stress and using sugar as comfort, instead of turning to Jesus. She was joyless, worn out, tired, and in need of a change. In this interview, Wendy will challenge Christians to take 40 days to focus on fasting from something they turn to instead of Jesus for comfort. She invited people to break free from a dependence on sugar and taste the goodness of God.
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Mr And Mrs Guy And Amber Lia And Mrs Jean Daly
Amber Lia is a work-at-home mom, blogger, public speaker, and co-author of two best-selling books. Her husband, Guy, is a former TV, feature film, and VFX development and production executive who has worked on popular TV shows and films. Guy and Amber own Storehouse Media Group, a faith- and family-friendly TV and film production company based in Los Angeles,
Did Life Start By Accident
Many scientists believe that life on earth started by accident. They think that it was caused by a series of small steps and chemical processes. But more and more scientists realise that DNA is so complex that it cannot have originated from a series of accidental chemical reactions.
Let us think again about computer software. It is not very likely you are a computer programmer, so you probably did not know that the DNA in one human cell is just as complex as Windows computer software. Do you think it is likely that complex computer software like Windows came into being by a series of coincidences? This program contains about just as many instructions as the human DNA Windows was created by thousands of computer programmers who worked on it for years and years.
There is no code without a design. No computer software came into being by accident, without a design and without programmers working on it. If our DNA is as complex as computer software, could humans have come into being by accident?
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Admit That You Cannot Cure Your Partners Depression
Your spouse needs your love, support, and concern, but these important qualities cant reverse depression any more than they can control blood sugar, ease arthritis pain, or clear out clogged arteries. Just as you wouldnt rely on love alone to cure a medical conditionor withdraw love because it didntdont expect that your feelings or attention will be able to alter your spouses off-kilter brain chemistry. Use your love to get help and to remind your partner of his or her intrinsic worth during this challenging time, Walfish advises.
Dont Take It Personally
There is the person you fell in love with, who makes you laugh until it hurts and then there are the bad days, when you are dealing with a stranger who wont let you in. Depression can magnify or alter emotions, says Dr Kousoulis. A person can have emotional highs and lows in equal degrees, so it is important not to take changes personally.
This can be easier said than done. I found my own coping mechanisms therapy, exercise and lowering my expectations of what I needed and wanted from Rob when he was feeling bad. I knew that somewhere inside this person was my husband, so from time to time, Id leave him postcards telling him how much I loved him. He didnt react in an effusive way but I know it got through because he kept every one in a memory box.
Above all, hold on to your love. You wont always feel as though you are making any progress, says Hardy. You, too, may feel helpless at times. But your patience, kindness and understanding make such a difference.
Chase The Rainbow, Poorna Bells memoir about life with her husband, is published by Simon & Schuster.
The Samaritans helpline is 116 123.
In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
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Don’t Take It Personally
Depression can make people behave in ways that they normally wouldn’t when they are feeling well. They may become angry, irritable, or withdrawn. They may not be interested in going out or doing things with you like they used to. Your spouse or significant other may lose interest in sex.
These things are not personal, and they don’t mean that your partner no longer cares for or about you. They are symptoms of the illness that requires treatment.
Questions To Help Support And Collaborate
It can be tempting to just do things for your partner when theyre in a depressive state, because one symptom of depression is lack of motivation. But Julie Fast warns that this may be a mistake, leading instead to increasing their sense of helplessness and dependency.
Karen and Julie suggest these questions to help your partner find their own way through their symptoms, with you there by their side:
- What helped the last time you were depressed like this?
- What do we need to do as a team to get through this rotten downswing?
- Whats the best way for me to help you?
- How are you doing with your medications? Are you feeling any difference?
- Who can we call to help us get through this tough time?
- What do you need from me?
- What changes can help you feel better right now?
Both experts also emphasized the use of collaborative language to help your partner feel supported. Avoid placing blame or full responsibility on your partner, but also avoid taking on all agency or responsibility for yourself.
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