Ask Them How They’d Like To Be Helped
“Too often we assume what another person needs based on how we would like support,”Dr. Jessica, a licensed psychologist, tells Bustle.
If you like to be cuddled, for example, you might think your partner likes to be cuddled, too.
But since everyone’s different, it’s important to figure out what they actually prefer, she says. Talk about it, and honor what they need.
Encourage Treatment But Do Your Best Not To Push A Timeline
The decision to seek help for depression is not a light one, and if your partner is still on the fence about it, remain encouraging but also patient.
Here are some “do’s” and “don’ts” to consider when broaching the topic of treatment:
- Pick the right time and place to talk about treatment options. Try sometime on the weekend when you both have downtime, and are able to relax and open up.
- Help them navigate finding a therapist: Finding a therapist can be a thoroughly exhausting, sometimes dispiriting, process and even more so when depression is involved. Helping your partner navigate the process can be a huge relief in and of itself. Here’s a step-by-step guide to helping your husband or boyfriend find a therapist.
Dont:
- Bring up the conversation in front of other people. Finding a comfortable time and place to talk about this serious topic often does not include other people you dont want to come across like an intervention.
- Push a timeline, or make ultimatums. Doing so can make your partner feel pressured and rushed, and they may feel forced to settle on a treatment plan that’s not totally right for them.
Monitor Your Own Moods And Thinking
Enduring barrages of negative comments, holding the household and family together, and losing the sweetest, most supportive aspects of your marriage isnt easy. Over months and years, the non-depressed spouse may give in to confusion, self-blame, demoralization, and resentment, notes Anne Sheffield, author of Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond. You may conclude that you must leave to save yourself. If this sounds familiar, get help for yourselfand insist that your mate do the same. Depression separates couples with surgical skill and is a major home-breaker, Sheffield wrote in her book.
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Therapists Therapy And Therapists In Therapy
Ashley has extensive professional and personal experience in coping with high-functioning depression. The Nashville-based therapist admits, I started therapy as an adolescent and began taking psych meds as a young adult. Ashley, who started her private practice 10 years ago, adds, The meds allow me to feel normal, like myself.
The therapist has many friends, including mental health professionals who take psych meds and/or are in therapy for depression and . She explains, Many of my patients are high-functioning. Youd see them on the street and not know something is wrong.
Awareness of what depression and anxiety feel like helps Ashley get into the psyche of her patients. But she suffers bouts of self-stigma over what sometimes feels like a clash between her professional and personal selves. She admits, laughing, Once I mentioned to my shrink I felt shame about being a therapist and in treatment. My therapist said, ‘Ashley, Im in therapy, too.’
Ways To Take Care Of Yourself
When you are dealing with a partner with depression, you first need to take care of yourself. Caring for someone who is struggling takes every ounce of your strength and you need to feel that you have enough resources before you can offer any to them.
1. Get Support Depression is a lonely experience, even when you are not the one whos depressed. Its normal to frequently feel overwhelmed or helpless. Its common for you to feel secondhand depression because you spend so much time around a person who is depressed. Gathering up your resources and rallying your support system is essential to feeling like you can get through this. This might mean scheduling weekly phone calls with someone you trust, seeing a therapist yourself, or joining a support group.
The harmful effects of depression dont stop with your partner. They affect every aspect of your partners life and, most importantly, you.
2. Have Empathy For Yourself Remember that you cannot fix your partners depression, and it is not your fault that they are struggling. During hard moments, remind yourself that it requires courage to face depression head on and to choose to love your partner during their struggle. Allow yourself to reflect on your incredible capacity for love and care.
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How To Deal With A Depressed Spouse
Im so chuffed youve landed here because you want to know how to help your partner or spouse with depression.
I can think of two reasons:
If youre already sure they are depressed, you might be tempted to skip the next section. However, Id like you to pay attention to it anyhow because it may help you to pinpoint what has caused your partners depression.
Tip : Support Your Health
Positive lifestyle changes can help lift depression and keep it from coming back.
Aim for eight hours of sleep. Depression typically involves sleep problems whether you’re sleeping too little or too much, your mood suffers. Get on a better sleep schedule by learning healthy sleep habits.
Keep stress in check. Not only does stress prolong and worsen depression, but it can also trigger it. Figure out all the things in your life that stress you out, such as work overload, money problems, or unsupportive relationships, and find ways to relieve the pressure and regain control.
Practice relaxation techniques.A daily relaxation practice can help relieve symptoms of depression, reduce stress, and boost feelings of joy and well-being. Try yoga, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation.
Spend time in sunlight. Getting outside during daylight hours and exposing yourself to the sun can help boost serotonin levels and improve your mood. Take a walk, have your coffee outside, do some yard work, or double up on the benefits by exercising outdoors. If you live somewhere with little winter sunshine, try using a light therapy box.
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When My So Has A Rough Day Sometimes It Draws Me From My Cocoon To Try To Make Him Feel Better
Mature individuals understand that nondepressed folks have bad days sometimes. Bad days are part of being a person.
Ive been dealing with depression. When my S.O. has a rough day, sometimes it draws me from my cocoon to try to make him feel better. Its pretty easy for me to tell if hes had a rough day, so hiding it would just make the atmosphere uncomfortable and make me feel like he is somehow coddling me. I love him so much, I hate seeing him down, so even if I havent managed to bathe or change my clothes cause I just dont wanna, cant, I will still try to do SOMETHING to make him feel better, and it just might make me feel better along the way.
Silly little things matter so, so much.
I think a good way to let your S.O. know youre having a bad day but you are still there for her is something like this: Hey, sweetie/punkin/boo, Ive had a rough day. Knowing youre my girl/coming home to you makes me feel better though. Lets go to bed early. Haha. I sleep more when Im depressed, and my S.O. likes to sleep a lot anyhow.
How To Help A Partner With Depression
If you suspect your partner is dealing with depression,Dr. Borland recommends these five action items:
1. Encourage your partner to seek professional help
Depression is treatable. So rather than ignoring theproblem or trying to fix it yourselves, enlist the help of a primary caredoctor or psychiatrist.
Depression can be hard to talk about. It helps to work onassertive communication. Share your feelings and concerns without playing theblame game. Start sentences with I statements that focus on your feelings,such as, I noticed, or, Im worried. Talk openly about symptoms youve seenand how you want to help.
2. Work as a team
If talk therapy is part of your partners treatment, join their first few sessions or more. Your partner may also want you to participate in meetings about medications.
Being depressed can be scary, Dr. Borland relates. Your spouse will benefit from all the support you can offer.
3. Practice self-care
Maintain your own health and well-being. You may alsobenefit from your own outpatient therapy. This is not you being selfish itsmaking sure that you have enough in your tank to help your partner and family,Dr. Borland reassures. You need to carve out time for yourself without feelingguilty.
4. Dont take it personally
Depression isnt anyones fault. Give your partner a senseof security and support even when theyre acting out. This takes patience andcommitment but its worth the effort.
5. Educate yourself
Recommended Reading: Things To Take Your Mind Off Depression
Dont Push Them To Be Happy All The Time
Be understanding if they want to take a break from social events or dont feel like going out one evening. Try to figure out what makes them happy and do it whenever you can, but dont expect them to always be full of energy and enthusiasm. Valentina Dragomir, Psychotherapist and founder of PsihoSensus
How To Cope When Your Partner Has Depression
This week is Mental Health Awareness Week 2019, so it feels like a good time to talk about depression.
I suffer from depression myself and I know how tough it can be. But I want to talk to the partners – the people living with the people who are living with depression. I know its not easy for you, either.
Depression can cause people to shut down and withdraw, which can feel like rejection.
It can make them say and do things that you just don’t understand. And its painful, wanting to help but feeling like you can’t.
I spent three years talking to more than 200 people about their experiences with love, sex, and depression for my book, The Monster Under The Bed. Some of them havent been able to keep their relationships together. But a lot of them have thrived, and theyve done it by following remarkably similar strategies. These are their tips.
For information and support on mental health, take a look at the BBC’s Action Line pages.
Originally published on 7 April 2017.
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Be Understanding If They Continue To Feel Bad
Again, you can’t “fix” your partner’s depression, or hurry them on the road to feeling better. “All you can do is stand beside them while they learn to heal themselves,” Ciardella says.
Give them space, time, and support, for however long they need it. And “remind yourself that it is OK to not have solutions,” she says. As long as you’re there, and listening, you’re doing the right thing.
Accept That There Will Be Bad Days
People with depression have good days and bad days. To deal with the bad days:
- expect that they will happen
- understand that this is a normal part of depression
- do not withdraw love or support during these times
- take some time out and do something enjoyable, either alone or with others
- remember that not every day will be like this there will be good days too
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Goals Are The Basis Of Expectations
Expectation consists of both objective objectives and irrational emotions. Once you have a goal, think about how you feel about it and what achieving it would mean for you.
Here is what I expect from you and this relationship, you say to your partner.
What do you anticipate from me and our relationship? Ask your mate.
#1. Establish Objectives
make a plan, and make a timeline. Plan your personal and interpersonal objectives
Youve established your limits and expectations thus far and learned what a long-distance relationship entails. You should now decide on your aims.
Why are objectives crucial in a distant relationship?
Without clear objectives, you could find yourself stuck in a losing battle forever.
You must be very clear about both your relationship goals and your personal goals if you want to have any hope of making your long-distance relationship succeed.
Your individual objectives can be:
- Concentrating on your work or study.
- Exercising to stay in shape.
- Maintaining your hobbies.
- Spend time with your pals.
- Spend time with your loved ones.
#2. Goals in Relationships
It is vital to discuss relationship goals with your partner in order to ensure that you are on the same page.
One partner frequently has nothing planned or to do. They could consequently develop neediness and clinginess. This can be quite unpleasant, and it might even be bad for your relationship. It would be beneficial if your partner had their own objectives.
How To Help When Your Spouse Is Depressed
Tim and Sandra sit close together on their porch swing, holding hands. Its hard to believe that less than a year ago, theyd discussed selling their house, splitting their possessions and sharing custody of their three children. The couple explains that a common but treatable illness nearly destroyed their strong 12-year marriage.
I remember the day it started, Tim says. I walked into the kitchen one morning and Sandy was just sitting on the floor. She was still in her bathrobe, and her eyes were swollen from crying.
When Tim asked what was wrong, Sandra told him she honestly didnt know. Their lives were good. They werent struggling financially or having problems with the kids. She knew there was no reason to cry, yet the tears returned every morning from then on. Her concentration began to slip as well, leading to mistakes that almost cost her a job she loved. Finally, Tim insisted she see a doctor.
I sure didnt like the diagnosis, Sandra explains, shaking her head. I expected him to give me vitamins or tell me not to work so hard. I never anticipated what he would actually suggest.
Over the next few months, Sandra tried to bury her secret but her sorrow was too pervasive to hide. Their frightened children began asking what was wrong with Mom.
And the more angry he got, the more hed withdraw from me, Sandra adds. Then Id feel guilty and withdraw even more. We just kept drifting further apart.
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What Depression Looks Like In A Marriage
Loss of interest, destructive behaviors, and anger and resentment can all be signs that depression is having an effect. Other signs include loss of interest in intimacy, anger and acting out, anxiety, and hopelessness about the state of your relationship. These are important signs, but what can you do about them?
Remember To Be Grateful
As youre discovering how to live with a depressed spouse,instead ofgiving in to fear or becoming resentful of your partner, remember to be grateful. When we are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears.Practice gratitude in all aspects of your life, but especially with your spouse. Remember all the great qualities you love about them and choose to live in abeautiful state.
IMPORTANT NOTE
Depression is serious. With all the resources out there, just knowing where to start can be overwhelming. If youre thinking about ending your life, call one of the suicide hotlines: 800-SUICIDE and 800-273-TALK . If you have a plan to commit suicide, go to the emergency room for immediate treatment. The information and other content provided in this article, or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment. See full disclaimer.
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My Partner Is Very Depressed And Its Getting Me Down
The question My partner has suffered from depression for decades, but only saw the doctor once, stopped taking the medication after a few months, and refuses to go on it again. They wont talk to anyone or seek help professionally or from family not even me.
In the last two years, Covid has had a major impact on their mental health, and their behaviour on top of this is now affecting me massively. In the past, Ive been told Im very positive and happy. Im certainly not that now. But I dont want to go on medication myself.
I try hard to get things right, and Im not perfect but nothing I do is good enough for them. They talk at me as though Im stupid. It is not in my nature to be aggressive, but sometimes I have to defend myself. Im being constantly made to feel guilty that everything is my fault. Theres no logic to their thoughts.
They dont have any close friends or any hobbies, and they seem to resent me when I do things, but they wont do them with me.
I would like to see change how though? After so many years it seems unlikely.
Philippas answer It is as though you are both stuck in a game of who is right and who is wrong, each of you jostling for the superior position. Resentments mount up and yet you are both locked in. Neither of you is changing, neither is leaving.
Listening to feelings yours and theirs is the way to get unstuck
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