Tip : Make Time For Your Relationship With Your Partner
More than half of all divorces take place after the birth of a child. For many couples, the relationship with their partner is their primary source of emotional expression and social connection. The demands and needs of a new baby can get in the way and fracture this relationship unless couples put some time, energy, and thought into preserving their bond.
Dont scapegoat. The stress of sleepless nights and caretaking responsibilities can leave you feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. And since you cant take it out on the baby, its all too easy to turn your frustrations on your partner. Instead of finger pointing, remember that youre in this together. If you tackle parenting challenges as a team, youll become an even stronger unit.
Keep the lines of communication open. Many things change following the birth of a baby, including roles and expectations. For many couples, a key source of strain is the post-baby division of household and childcare responsibilities. Its important to talk about these issues, rather than letting them fester. Dont assume your partner knows how you feel or what you need.
Carve out some couples time. Its essential to make time for just the two of you when you can reconnect. But dont put pressure on yourself to be romantic or adventurous . You dont need to go out on a date to enjoy each others company. Even spending 15 or 20 minutes togetherundistracted and focused on each other can make a big difference in your feelings of closeness.
Ways To Cope During Postpartum Panic Attacks
Its okay to not be okay
This thing is real
We must remind ourselves of these things when we struggle with postpartum depression .
PPD is more common than you might think, affecting 1 in 7 women in the United States, according to the CDC. Symptoms of PPD can include anxiety, panic attacks, and feeling overwhelmed. Its more than just the baby blues and can include symptoms of anxiety and depression. Postpartum depression can make it hard to take care of yourself and your new baby.
Why Is Getting Tested For Parental Depression Important
Early diagnosis and intervention are key in limiting the negative health effects of the condition on the father himself and his family members. When untreated, a parent’s depression can have negative effects on their child’s development and wellbeing by:
- Not being able to pay enough attention to their baby’s health and missing health check visits
- Increasing the likelihood of behavioral problems for their children at preschool age
- Increasing their risk for a physical or mental illness
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Other Things You Can Do
- Try to postpone any important decisions until after she is feeling better.
- Some of the things you think she should do right now to feel better, may not work.
- Some of the things that previously made her feel good, may feel like too much effort at this time.
Adapted from The Postpartum Husband: Practical Solutions for Living With Postpartum Depression
Her Therapist Knows Best
Dont question a decision to try or not try medication, to use cognitive behavioral therapy, or to do some combination of the two. This isnt to say that you shouldnt intervene if you think her therapist is incompetent, but you need to realize that this person has a degree in psychology or psychiatry and treats women with postpartum depression and anxiety every day. When in doubt, ask her if you can sit in on a therapy session. Shes free to bring whomever she wants, and it can help give you an idea of her treatment plan.
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How To Help A New Parent
- Reassure them: this is not their fault they are not alone they will get better.
- Encourage them to talk about their feelings and listen without judgment.
- Help with housework before they ask you.
- Encourage them to take time for self-care. Breaks are a necessity fatigue is a major contributing factor to worsening symptoms.
- Dont expect them to complete all household tasks just because they are home all day.
- Be realistic about what time youll be home, and come home on time.
- Help them reach out to others for support and treatment.
- Schedule some dates with them and work together to find a babysitter.
- Offer simple affection and physical comfort, but be patient if they are not up for sex. Its normal for them to have a low sex drive with depression, and rest and recovery will help to bring it back.
If Shes On Meds Help Her Figure Out The Breastfeeding Thing
Some medications are compatible with breastfeeding. Some are not. Most are. Do your own research and help her make the decision to continue nursing or not. Help her means tell her what you found out and defer to her decision. Whatever she decides to nurse with medication or not support her choice.
I chose to nurse through several medications because breastfeeding was important to me, and Im grateful that my husband never questioned my decision.
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Suggest Therapy And/or Lead By Example
This may be a little tricky given the stigma surrounding partners seeking help for their mental struggles. Our partners may not be receptive to seeking therapy at first, but encouraging them to seek help is one way to support their struggles. Also, by seeking help ourselves, we can show our partners that they do not have to be ashamed of struggling mentally or emotionally.
How Can I Help My Partner With Postnatal Depression
Try to understand what your partner might be going through by reading and researching about the nature of the illness. You could look up local and national support groups, forums, or blogs like PND Hour for your partner. They might be comforted to see theyre not alone in feeling the way they do.
Its good to trust your instincts too.
If you dont see things improving, speak to other specialists as there could be something else triggering the PND. Doctors can sometimes be wrong, adds Ben.
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Focus More On Her Instead Of The Baby
Ask HER how shes feeling, how her birth experience went, what shes most excited for, what shes still questioning, and more. By shifting the focus more on her, she will feel less invisible after one of the most important changes in her life. Too often people visit to hold the newborn and not also the mother.
Signs Of Postpartum Depression To Watch For
The best example of postpartum, says Accortt, relates to how a mother sleeps after having the baby. When a new mom can give her baby to her mother or partner for a few hours one afternoon, I always ask: Can you get into bed and sleep? says Accortt. For women with PPD, the answer is almost always notheyre tossing, turning, anxious and distressed, even if theyre exhausted.
Signs of moderate to severe PPD include lack of motivation, not being interested in things she used to be interested in and not taking phone calls. When I would shut down, I would become more consumed with being on my phone than being present with my husband and children, says Yasmin R., who gave birth to her second son in May 2019. My husband also noticed that I seemed more agitated and when he would try and joke around with me, what normally would make me smile and laugh wasnt doing it anymore.
Women suffering from postpartum depression might also vocalize a sense of inadequacy. Things like, Im not a good mom, Im not doing a good job, the baby would be better off with another parent, says Katayune Kaeni, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and board member of Postpartum Support International. PPD also looks like a mother not wanting to attend to the baby or not having the energy to shes so overcome by what shes feeling inside that she doesnt notice things about the babyshes disconnected or detached.
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Take Over The House Duties
I knew a childbirth educator who used to say that the sexiest thing a new father or partner can do for a new mom is clean the dishes, put away the laundry, mop the floors, or cook the meals for an entire week. This is so true.
It takes a long time for a new mom to heal from childbirth, for her body to begin returning to its natural shape and weight, and for her to find the balance between the person she used to be, and the woman she is now.
Listen To Her And Dont Gloss Over Her Concerns
Partners should not be dismissive of or gloss over their spouses concerns, or assume that they will automatically get over their depression on her own. Or worse, judge or berate them for feeling the way they do. They should be understanding and attentive, and acknowledge their concerns as valid so as to avoid alienating them and further worsening their feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and isolation.
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How Long Does Postpartum Depression Last
Postpartum depression can last until one year after your child is born. However, this doesn’t mean you should feel “cured” in one year. Talk to your healthcare provider about your symptoms and treatment. Be honest about how you feel. Think carefully about if you feel better than you did at the beginning of your diagnosis. Then, they can recommend ongoing treatment for your symptoms.
Help Your Partner Recognize The Change Youre Seeing In Them
Take a moment to learn how the baby blues differ from postpartum depression and anxiety. You can also see what a postpartum depression screening questionnaire looks like here. Thats a tool doctors can use to determine if your partners symptoms match up with postpartum depression.
If you think your partner might have postpartum depression or anxiety, help them recognize the change in their personality or behavior. It is important to do this with concrete examples. For example, say your partner normally enjoys a weekly phone conversation with her sister but lately shes been skipping it to sit alone with the baby. In this instance you could say, Ive noticed you havent talked to your sister in a while. How are you feeling? This can help open up the conversation in a non-accusatory way.
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My First Dose Of Postpartum Depression Treatment
We arrived to find a room filled with infants, dads, and moms, many of the latter red-faced and crying, while their husbands stood by, holding babies. I was amazed to see so many men like my husband, cradling their little ones, in solidarity with their wives, as the women went one by one to meet with a psychiatrist.
When it was my turn, I looked back at Joe and Lily. A concerned smile dusted his face. “We’ll be right here when you’re done.”
During my intake, I asked flatly, “Will I ever love her?”
“This is a classic postpartum depression question. You will love her,” the psychiatrist assured me. “But I have to ask, do you have any plans to kill yourself?”
Without hesitation, I said, “I want to drive off the road.” Then I wept.
I wasn’t allowed to drive until further notice, and if I didn’t abide, the psychiatrist warned, “We’d have to consider hospitalization.”
Joe ferried me to and from the clinic every day, no matter how many times he’d been up with Lily the night before. On weekends, Joe tended to me and to Lily, making sure we both ate and slept, as his parents flew out from Washington State to lend a hand, a relief to both of us.
For the first time, I felt some hope.
Every week, I attended weekly dialectical behavior therapy sessions , learning skills for coping with my anxiety and insomnia like radical acceptance and positive self-talk.
During my intake, I asked flatly, “Will I ever love her?”
Help Out Around The House
Becoming a parent can be overwhelming and exhausting. If you throw postpartum depression and anxiety into the mix, the burden daily tasks can become almost impossible and overwhelming for the parent who is suffering.
Both Dr Tess and Midwife Tessa agree that partners can help lighten the mental and physical load by helping out with practical tasks around the house. This could be:
- Watching the baby while she takes a shower
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Sex During Postpartum Depression
Women who suffer from postpartum depression often express a lack of interest and desire for sex. First, do not take this personally. The lack of interest and desire have many reasons including low energy and motivation from the depression, a low view of self, and disliking how her body looks, among others. Your wifes sexual desire should return once she starts feeling like herself and experiences a lift from the depression.
It is important during this time you and your wife discuss a lack of desire and expectations. If this is not discussed, you might find yourself becoming irritable, angry, and impatient. Your wife may experience fears of you leaving or having an affair. When you initiate conversations about sex and understand that your wife may not currently have a desire for sex, this allows your wife to feel safe to have this discussion. Also, your wife may want or need more cuddling, hand-holding, and physical displays of affection that do not lead to sex. It is best for you to ask what she would like and need during this time. She may also experience fear that with these types of touches, in fear that she may mislead you to believe she desires sex. Remember to be patient and understanding.
The following are a few helpful hints :
Helping Someone With Postpartum Depression
New moms encounter a lot of new challenges as they begin motherhood. On top of having a new baby to care for, many new mothers face lack of sleep, and possibly even breast pain from nursing. Even more, during pregnancy, hormone levels in women rise. However, after pregnancy, these heightened hormone levels drop suddenly and can trigger a type of clinical depression related to pregnancy and childbirth. This form of depression is called postpartum depression.
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Self Care & Postpartum Depression
In order for you to be supportive and helpful to your wife, you must care for yourself. It is just as important for you to care for yourself as it is for you to care for your wife. Without your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health, you will not be able to be helpful to your wife.
You must make time to care for yourself. A few examples include eating healthy, exercising, spending time with friends, taking your own breaks, asking for help, and having a date night with your wife. The following are a few helpful guidelines :
Communication Communication & Communication
The redundancy is on purpose. Depression promotes isolation which is detrimental to recovery. You may be thinking you try to communicate with your wife, but it seems you are not on the same page. Or maybe, communication has stopped and both of you are just surviving. Please, dont force your wife to communicate, but leave the doors open for communication. Here are a few pointers :
Avoid trying to fix it
When there is a problem, you fix it, right? In this situation, looking at your wifes postpartum depression as a problem will not be helpful. Your wife, as a result of the depression, already feels like a burden, something that needs to be fixed. If you approach the situation as something needing fixed, you will be unintentionally confirming her belief she is a burden.
Listen and Validate
Rather than having a fix it mentality, your focus should be on listening to understand and validate your wife. When she shares her emotions, thoughts, and experiences, she is desiring to feel connected and understood by you. A few ways to show you are listening and trying to understand are giving your full attention, looking into your wifes eyes, reflecting back what you hear, and asking if your wife feels understood. You might ask, Am I getting it? or Do you feel understood because I really want to be here for you.
Ask rather than mind read
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Postpartum Depression: Quick Facts & Signs
Here are some postpartum depression quick facts, stats, and information:
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About 10% to 15% of women experience PPD
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Women are more likely to experience PPD if they have a history of depression, anxiety, or mental illness
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While depression, or uncontrollable sadness may be present, other symptoms may show up instead – such as rage, dramatic mood swings, heightened anxiety, or crippling self-doubt.
This article is dedicated to supporting new mothers with PPD and new baby anxiety. If youre not sure what postpartum depression is, or how to tell the difference between the typical Baby Blues and true PPD, scroll below to learn more.
What Not To Say
- Do not tell her she should get over this.
- Do not tell her you are tired of her feeling this way.
- Do not tell her this should be the happiest time of her life.
- Do not tell her you liked her better the way she was before.
- Do not tell her she’ll snap out of this.
- Do not tell her she would feel better if only: she were working she was not working she got out of the house more stayed home more etc.
- Do not tell her she should lose weight, color her hair, buy new clothes, etc.
- Do not tell her all new mothers feel this way.
- Do not tell her this is just a phase.
- Do not tell her that if she wanted a baby, this is what she has to go through.
- Do not tell her you know she’s strong enough to get through this on her own and she doesn’t need help.
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