Keep The Conversation Going
A key to being there for your friend is recognizing that it will take more than one conversation to help them feel better.
Unfortunately, depression is not cured quickly. Even if someone starts on medication or therapy, it can take weeks to months to feel better or be in remission, Pellegrino says.
Let your friend know that you will be there with them even in difficult moments and then do just that. Be with them and continue to remind them that you care about them.
As for the times when you dont know what to say, its OK to be honest about that too.
In the end, your presence and desire to show up and be with your friend will speak volumes.
Let Them Know That They Are Not Alone
Living with depression is often accompanied by feelings of loneliness. In addition, social stigma can lead to further isolation. Letting your friend know that you care can mean a lot and help your friend feel less alone. Ive noticed you seem really down lately. Do you want to talk about it?, is one way to express that you are here for them. If they dont want to talk right now, let them know the offer will stay open. Im here if you ever want to talk.
Minimizing Or Comparing Their Experience
If your friend talks about their depression, you might want to say things like, I understand, or Weve all been there. But if youve never dealt with depression yourself, this can minimize their feelings.
Depression goes beyond simply feeling sad or low. Sadness usually passes fairly quickly, while depression can linger and affect mood, relationships, work, school, and all other aspects of life for months or even years.
Comparing what theyre going through to someone elses troubles or saying things like, But things could be so much worse, generally doesnt help.
Your friends pain is whats real to them right now and validating that pain is what may help them most.
Say something like, I cant imagine how hard that is to deal with. I know I cant make you feel better, but just remember you arent alone.
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Being Critical Or Judgmental
Theres a good chance your friend is already quite hard on themselves, so try not to pile further criticism onto their plate. Avoid blaming or judging your friend or dismissing their experiences as trivial. If youre struggling to understand what theyre going through, seek out some information about depression in your own time.
Ask Questions And Dig For The Root Cause
The best way to understand a subject is to research it like a journalist and ask a lot of questions. With depression and anxiety, asking questions is critical because the terrain is so vast and each persons experience is so different. Chances are that your friend is not going to voluntarily cough up the information that you need, because he or she is too ashamed of the symptoms and afraid he or she will be judged. To better know whats going on, you must dig for the information. Here are a few questions to consider:
- When did you first start to feel bad?
- Can you think of anything that may have triggered it?
- Do you have suicidal thoughts?
- Is there anything that makes you feel better?
- What makes you feel worse?
- Are you under stress?
You know your sister, friend, brother, or father better than most mental health professionals, so help them solve the riddle of their symptoms. Together consider what could be at the root of their depression: physiologically, emotionally, or spiritually. Where is the disconnect?
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Instead Say: Im Worried About You Are You Getting Help With This
The difference in these phrases may seem subtle, but the idea is to focus on how you feel about your friend instead of labeling or unintentionally judging their experience.
Starting with a question also helps you learn more about your friends experience. Maybe theyre already speaking to a therapist, loved ones or spiritual figures or maybe they are cut off from support. Either way, its important to ask instead of assuming you know how your friend is doing or what is best for them.
If your friend wants to see a mental health expert, you can offer to research nearby or telehealth therapists or figure out insurance. Its equally important to avoid pressuring or harassing your friend to seek help if they arent ready or interested, as this can cause more harm than good though there is one critical exception.
In general, you always want to take someones lead and value their autonomy and privacy. If someone is so depressed they are suicidal, however, thats a problem and they need help, says Dr. Laurel Pellegrino, a psychiatrist who sees patients at UW Medical Center Roosevelt.
If your friend starts talking about death or suicide, gives away their belongings or exhibits other warning signs, seek support for you friend. You can call a suicide prevention line with them or call emergency services and ask for a welfare check. In an emergency, call 911.
Encourage Them In Their Chosen Path
If you notice a friends moods are improving with a particular therapy or medication or habit theyve chosen, give them that feedback. You seem to be having more good days since you started . Do you feel that way too? That objective input from someone caring can be helpful to remember on the days when keeping with the habit feels difficult.
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Keep Inviting Them To Events
People experiencing depression may not reach out to friends very often. They may also cancel at the last minute or not show up. Be understanding, and dont take it personally. This is one way they are managing their symptoms. Keep inviting them, and let them know its okay if they cant keep plans with you. Youre not going away, and you are glad to be with them whenever they are up for it.
Its also important to emphasize that you enjoy their company even when they are sad and dont feel themselves. Many people withdraw when they are depressed because they feel shame about not being fun enough or interesting enough. Let them know that its okay to just be with you.
Dont Take On Too Much
If you are a highly sensitive person, then you may be affected more by others moods. If you start to become overwhelmed by your friends problems, take a step back. Be honest with your friend and let them know that you dont feel you have the capacity to help them. Offer to help them find professional support from a therapist.
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Offer To Help Them Find Additional Support
If your friend expresses interest in seeking professional support, you could offer to help figure out available resources and give them options and, if they wish it, help them choose. Research local mental healthcare providers and support groups. You might also consider asking other people in your network for referrals without revealing who is looking for support. If your friend is a reader or podcast listener, consider those sorts of options to but be selective so that your list isnt overwhelming. Depression can take up a lot of mental bandwidth.
Offer To Help With Tasks
For those who live with depression, even small tasks, like brushing teeth or cleaning up the kitchen, may drain emotional bandwidth. For this reason, offering to help with something seemingly small can make a huge difference in someones day.
If you have capacity, offer to start a load of laundry, walk the dog, watch the kids for a couple of hours, or drive them to the store.
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How To Get Help Without Betraying Your Friend
One of the biggest barriers to seeking help can be a fear of betraying a friend who has trusted you with sensitive information. Theres a way to go about it without tattling, assures Dr. Macchia. Its all about openness and honesty. Some things to keep in mind as you broach the subject with your friend:
- Depending on the situation, Dr. Macchia says it might be helpful or appropriate to offer to be there for the conversation with the adult. I dont want teens to ever feel like they have to do this, reiterates Dr. Macchia, but depending on the case they may say I feel like I can support my friend and also be a buffer and have that conversation as well.
Dr. Macchia notes that it may be especially tricky if your friend with mental health challenges asks you not to tell an adult, even after you have explained your concerns and reasoning for wanting to. This can be extremely tough, and of course you would want to preserve your friendship as best as you can, she says. That being said, however, your friends safety and wellbeing comes first.
If you are having a hard time, Dr. Macchia recommends trying some self-validation. Remind yourself that it makes sense to feel worried about your friends reaction to you telling an adult, and yet you are doing what you feel is best for them, for yourself, and for your relationship in the long run, she says.
Instill Hope In A Brighter Future
If your friend is going through a crisis, they may be feeling hopeless about the future. They may need help seeing that things can get better. Thats where you can come in.
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Avoid giving your friend generic advice, like, time heals all wounds. Giving cliche advice can minimize your friends pain. Rather, remind them of their relevant strengths and how these could help them overcome this tough period.
Say your friend lost their job and is panicking about finding a new one. You could tell them, I know that finding a new job is daunting, but you have something powerful in your toolkityour ability to network. You connect with people so effortlessly.
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How Can Friends And Family Help
This information is for friends and family who want to support someone with depression.
The support of friends and family can play a very important role in someone recovering from depression. Here are some suggestions for how you can help.
- Support them to get help. You can’t force anyone to get help if they don’t want it, so it’s important to reassure your loved one that it’s OK to ask for help, and that there is help out there. See our pages on how to support someone else to seek help for their mental health for more information.
- Be open about depression. Lots of people can find it hard to open up and speak about how they’re feeling. Try to be open about depression and difficult emotions, so your friend or family member knows that it’s OK to talk about what they’re experiencing.
“The best things that friends and family can do is simply listen. They often don’t need to say anything, just being willing to listen to your problems makes you feel less alone and isolated”
- Keep in touch. It might be hard for your loved one to have the energy to keep up contact, so try to keep in touch. Even just a text message or email to let them know that you’re thinking of them can make a big difference to how someone feels.
“Talking… not even talking about how I felt. Just talking about stupid things that didn’t matter over coffee, without pressure and knowing that I can talk about the tough stuff if I want to.”
How To Support Friends Or Family With Depression
Depression can be hard to understand, particularly if youve not experienced it yourself. Everyone gets sad sometimes, but why do some people seem to have more difficulty than others? Even if youve not had personal experiences with depression, there are things you can do to support the people in your life that are in the midst of it.
This blog is about how to support a friend with depression. If you yourself have depression, consider sharing it with your tribe so they can better support you! And if you have a friend who is struggling, this blog will help you to better understand depression and what you can do to help the people you care about.
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Downplaying Or Dismissing Their Experiences
Its important to validate your friends experiences. Even if their feelings or worries may seem trivial or disproportionate to you, they are very real for your friend. Try not to downplay what theyre going through by saying things like We all have bad days or I know exactly what youre going through. Give them your attention and take their concerns seriously.
Ways You Can Help A Friend With Depression
10 Ways You Can Help a Friend with Depression
Depression can affect anyone. Yet, it is still an illness that many people don’t understand. People talk about mental illness much more than they used to. Even so, there is still a stigma attached to mental health. A stigma that prevents many people from being open about depression. If you have a friend with depression, it can be difficult to know what you can do to help them. Here are ten ways that you can help a friend who is suffering from depression.
1. Educate Yourself
The first thing to do if you want to help someone with depression is to learn more about the illness. If you have never suffered from depression, it can be very difficult to empathize with someone who is. There are lots of very good resources online that you can refer to. So, do some research and then you will be much better equipped to offer your friend help and support.
2. Take It Seriously
Depression is not something that someone can snap out of. You can’t fix the problem with one good night out, for example. When you are talking to someone with depression, don’t try to make light of the condition. Depression is a serious illness. You won’t be able to help a depressed person by telling them to cheer up or to pull themselves together and get over it.
3. Become a Good Listener
4. Encourage Them to Get Help
5. Offer Practical Help
6. Keep Them in The Loop
7. Don’t Try to Be an Expert
8. Don’t Belittle the Condition
10. Be Patient
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How To Support Someone With Depression Virtually
The pandemic has taken a toll on many of us, especially when it comes to our mental health. Four in 10 adults in the U.S. have reported symptoms of depression during the pandemic, an uptick from one in 10 adults before COVID-19, according to data collected by the U.S. Census Bureau and the National Center for Health Statistics.
Given the statistics, chances are you know someone who’s affected, and maybe you’ve been affected, too. Even as states drop mask mandates and vaccination rates increase, people with depression still face mental health challenges and will likely continue to do so post-pandemic. On the plus side, since we’re all online more, there are more ways for us to help one another: “Everybody, but particularly people with social anxiety and there’s a high correlation between depression and anxiety they are now in the habit of being online,” says Dr. Carol Landau, a clinical professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University who wrote a book on how to prevent depression and anxiety in college-bound teens.
Given our even more frequent online behavior these days, there are more chances to connect with and help depressed loved ones through a screen. While you can’t treat your loved one’s depression , Mashable spoke with experts who specialize in depression to find out how you can help support your loved one with depression from afar.
Educate Yourself On Depression
Many people without first-hand experience of depression dont feel equipped to support someone going through it. Your friend may also not have the emotional bandwidth to explain to you what depression is, so it can be a relief for them if youve done your research.
At Calmerry, an online therapy platform, you’ll find an abundance of resources about the different types of depression, symptoms, and treatments, all of which can help you feel more confident speaking to your friend about how theyre feeling. However, remember that although there may be common symptoms of depression, everyones experience is unique.
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How Do You Help A Friend With Depression
Its heartbreaking to see someone you care about struggle, act unlike themselves/lose their vibrancy, or even withdraw from you. Here are some things that you can try to do to help a friend who is dealing with depression.
Help by listening to them instead of trying to fix their depression
First and foremost, it can be invalidating if you try to problem solve for people with depression. No one likes to feel badly, and chances are, they have likely considered what you want to suggest. Instead of problem solving, actively listen to them and validate what they are saying/feeling. This may sound like Wow, I can really tell that you are miserable and that it doesnt seem like anything can help. I know thats a dark place to be and it can be hard to remember times when things werent this way.
Continue to invite them places and keep them feeling wanted and involved with your friend network
I know its hard and frustrating to invite someone over and over again for them to not show, but taking the 5 min to call or text them personally to let them know they are invited keeps them feeling valued and wanted when everything else is feeling so dark.
No Blanket Statements be genuine and specific with offers to help
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