Question : Do I Know How My Partner Feels
If youre feeling unhappy in your relationship, odds are that your partner has some areas where theyd like to experience change, too. Colizza comments, Relationships are adaptive, and relationship problems are not cause-and-effectbut circular in nature. Each partners behavior pulls and influences the other partners behavior.
Typically, in cases of unhappy marriages, you find yourselves stuck in a way of relating with your partner: processing, organizing, and regulating emotions in the same unproductive way. The goal is to get you unstuck.
To that end, do you know exactly how your partner feels about your relationship? On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied is your partner in your relationship, and why would they choose that number?
Heres the reality: studies show that your best shot of relational change happens not only when your partner understands how you feel, but when you understand how your partner feels. Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy , the most successful method of couples counseling, says that Emotion is the music in the dance of adult intimacy. When we change the music, we change the dance.
In other words, the goal is to deeply understand one anothers emotions and the underlying causes.
That brings us to our third action item: simply reflect on your partner and how they might feel in the context of your current relationship. As far as it depends on you, attempt to build some empathy for them.
Focus On Your Career:
Never let your professional life get affected by your personal life. This is harder done than said, but will surely work as you can forget about your loneliness, interact with your colleagues, and keep yourself busy with work. A career will help you maintain your calm and focus on priorities in life.
Question : Does My Partner Know Why I Feel The Way I Feel
Dr. Harville Hendrix, the famed marriage counselor, wrote, Couples often operate out of the erroneous belief that their partners know what they want.”
It would be wonderful if your partner knew what you wanted, but they rarely do. Even healthy couples forget this.
And if your partner doesnt know how you feel, how are they supposed to help you or meet your emotional need?
Thats why its vital to come to the realization that your partner probably doesnt know how youre feelingand even if they have some sense of it, they certainly dont understand how youre feeling at its deepest level. They need to hear it from you.
That brings us to your second action item: prepare for a conversation with your partner . Map out what youd like to say. Put your feelings at the forefront and dont blame your partner. Colizza recommends a simple formula for starting this conversation: I feel My concern is How do you feel about that?
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Staying In An Unhappy Marriage
You may be wondering if you are struggling with an unhappy marriage and depression at the same time if staying is worth it. Opportunities to create a stronger relationship occur when both partners decide to work together to overcome depression and marital dis-ease. However, when one partner is unwilling to commit to progress, it may be better to part ways. In fact, evidence shows staying unhappily marriage lowers well-being even more so than divorcing.
By no means am I suggesting divorce in such situations. Simply know that a willingness to work towards change together is paramount. Neither depression nor an unhappy marriage operate in isolation. It takes more than one person to fix it. Assistance from a therapist trained in couples therapy can be of particular help in getting a marriage back on track.
Check For Underlying Conditions
Dozens of health conditionsincluding heart disease, diabetes, lupus, viral infections, and chronic paincan trigger the same symptoms as depression, Walfish notes. So can scores of prescription medications, including some birth-control pills and drugs that treat acne, herpes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and cancer. Your family doctor can rule out underlying causes and decide whether or not its really depression.
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Tms Gaithersburg Experts Examine Common Risk Factors For Depression In A Marriage
Sometimes, depression develops as a result of an unhappy marriage. Other times, depression develops during a marriage, but not as a result of it. For instance, some mothers suffer from post-partum depression after the birth of a child. Both cases can cause your mental health to deteriorate and strain your marriage further.
A variety of causes could be behind you or your partnerâs depression, such as:
- A history of drug or alcohol abuse
- Having a history of depression in the family
- Medical conditions such as chronic pain, insomnia, or ADHD
- A traumatic life event
- Sadness or grief from the death of a loved one
Some people are more vulnerable to developing depression than others. People with low self-esteem or who are struggling with a physical illness are particularly vulnerable.
Depression And Marriage: What Comes First
What comes first: depression or marriage? It’s not always easy to tell the difference between a depressing relationship or relationship problems that occur because one or more partners are depressed. It’s important to differentiate clinical depression and situational depression here so that you know what you’re dealing with.
Clinical depression is a medically diagnosed condition that often has no obvious cause. This kind of depression is a result of a complex set of biological, genetic and environmental factors, and it usually requires lifelong or long-term management.
Situational depression is not the same as clinical depression, although many of the characteristics are similar. Situational depression occurs when a person becomes sad and withdrawn following an upsetting or traumatic event such as divorce, bereavement or relationship troubles. Although situational depression may require a short course of treatment to help the person feel better, it usually lifts over time.
So which is it? Here’s the thing it’s not always easy to tell. A resounding body of research has shown that depression and marriage work together cyclically: depression affects the quality of relationships, and the relationships themselves can affect levels of depression. This is one of the reasons why 42% of U.S. adults have seen a counselor at some point in their lives.
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Signs That Depression Is Eroding Your Relationship
If youre depressed, you could be dragging your mate to the dumps with you. Here are 5 common symptoms that wreck relationships and expert advice on how to get love back on trackWhen youre in a relationship and feeling depressed,two people suffer. Karen S., a business executive in her late 20s, had been with her boyfriend eight months when she fell into a funk.She no longer enjoyed her favorite activities, preferring to spend weekends sleeping in and watching TV. Her boyfriend missed the fun-loving, outgoing woman hed fallen for. Their sex life was nonexistent. He thought she wasnt interested in him anymore.A few months later, Karen’s doctor diagnosed her with depression. She eventually got the help she needed, but it was too late – the relationship didnt survive.That doesnt surprise Miami marriage and family therapist Lisa Paz, Ph.D.Depression makes the non-depressed partner feel helpless and confused, she says. silence, withdrawal, and no sex or desire to do anything, partners think this is the turn the relationship is taking that this is the way its always going to be.
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You Have One Or More Of The Big Relationship Destroyers
According to Cole, there are four behaviors that are super-destructive to relationships. If one or more is present in your relationship, you could be on the fast track to loveless-ness . Every time you criticize your partner by attacking, blaming, and putting the fault on them by flinging negative statements like “You’re always running late,” or “You never do anything right” you corrode your connection. By being defensive and refusing to accept responsibility, or attacking in response to feedback from your partner, you chip away at the trust and goodwill in your marriage. If you have an attitude of contempt, and call your partner names or make stinging, sarcastic remarks, you imply that you’re superior and your partner is defective. And every time you stonewall one another, or emotionally shut down instead of openly addressing the issues, you create more distance and dishonesty, rather than openness, communication, and love. If any of these sounds familiar, schedule couples’ therapy to discuss why you do these things and how you can fix them.
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You’re Preoccupied With Other People’s Needs And Problems
Many women stay in relationships longer than they should because they tend to put the needs of others before their own. And since women often naturally take on the role of caretakers, they can lose parts of their own identity and a sense of their own needs in the process. “In order to face her relationship unhappiness, a woman needs to stop distracting herself by putting other people’s needs ahead of her own,” says Gadoua. “Doing this can be a way of avoiding her own painful truth.” So if you find yourself getting unnecessarily involved in a fight between your mother and sister, or you’re always rushing around trying to make other people’s lives easier, it might be time to take a hard look at your own relationship.
Can An Unhappy Marriage Lead To Depression
TMS Gaithersburg Experts Examine the Development of Depression in Married Couples
If you or a loved one is dealing with depression in a marriage, you have a wide variety of treatment options to help you get through it. In our latest article, the TMS Gaithersburg experts â Psych Associates of Maryland â are here to examine the common causes of depression in a marriage, how it can affect the family, and your treatment options.
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Signs Your Depression Is Affecting Your Relationship
When you live with depression, its difficult to see beyond your own mood. You may not realize, until its too late, that your mood is damaging your relationship with your spouse. These people have been through that experience and can highlight the warning signs:
I Didnt Know I Was Depressed. Sarah K.
Its impossible to not let depression wreck your marriage if you dont even know youre depressed. Thats what happened to me. I had started to feel like my life was not my own, that my husband had made all the decisions and I was stuck with it. I got angry. I picked fights with him. I cried myself to sleep and then refused to get out of bed in the morning.
When he suggested we go to marriage counseling, I agreed but got a big surprise: All my anger, said the therapist, was really depression. The diagnosis was a shock, but getting treatment was the best choice. I worked on myself, and then we worked on our marriage together.
I Lost Interest in My Marriage. Melissa P.
My depressive episodes have always left me feeling unengaged and uninterested. I stop enjoying running, a passion of mine. I didnt want to hang out with my friends or play with my kids. What I failed to recognize until it was too late was that this apathy was killing my husband.
I Had an Affair to Try to Feel Something. Justin M.
Keep Up With Your Personal Life
When my husband struggled with depression, my instinct was to throw myself into the situation and do whatever it took to make him feel better. As difficult as it may be, Wade said itâs essential to maintain your own hobbies and interests. The cost of neglecting those may be a recurrence of depression in youâand it wonât help your partner, either. Now that I know this, I see red flags all over the quote Iâd posted on Facebook. Yes, I want my partner to be happy, but I also know I am best able to help him when I am taking the time to help myself.
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Respect Your Own Needs
If your spouse has depression, you still deserve everyday nicetiesa neat house, regular meals, a calm family environmentas well as friendships, a social life, and time to pursue meaningful interests, Walfish says. As much as possible, pursue these things. Its easy to spend your time dealing with your spouses needs and issues. But dont sacrifice your own joys and goals needlessly. As we noted, you are susceptible to depression too. Pursuing your personal pleasures will not only help prevent that but also better prepare you for aiding your spouse.
The Symptoms Of Depression From Marriage Can Affect How Partners Perceive Each Other
Unfortunately, depression can take a toll on any marriage. Plus, as a personâs depression worsens, this can further strain their marriage. People who struggle with depression from marriage may pay less attention to their partners, become less involved in the relationship, act irritable, and even experience trouble enjoying their time together with them.
However, it is also important to note that relationship problems can also make someone vulnerable to depression. Constantly dealing with conflict, failing to resolve problems, and difficulty communicating can create a great amount of strain in relationships. If you believe that you or your partner is suffering from depression, check out these warning signs:
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Does Your Pathetic Husband Need A Wake Up Call
First of all, does he deserve a wake up call?
How many times have you been down the same road with your man? Is the guy you married as useless and hopeless as you think?
He just might be.
I know it is hard when a woman is dealing with almost unspeakable relationship events.
I once had a client who kept telling me that she had a second rate marriage and that it was not a question of being married to a rotten guy, but the reality was her husband would say appalling things to her, tearing her down.
She felt desperate to get out, but he had her convinced that she was an inferior and useless wife and would never survive the world without him. He insisted on controlling and telling her what to do.
Such was the brainwashing effect he had on his wife until it call tumbling down. Its like the scene from the Wizard of the Oz in which the Great Wizard was proclaiming his greatness and infallibility, only to be later revealed as a mere mortal. Even foolish to some extent.
While it took many months for her to see that her husband was cruel and was really the idiot, there was great suffering along the way.
Learn To Live Alone Dont Fear Loneliness:
This is the hardest part of all. Love yourself, and you will start enjoying your company. Stop pitying or blaming yourself for your loneliness as neither will help you go forward in life. When you learn to live alone, you will identify your hidden abilities and appreciate your strengths. Have a make-over of your appearance, get a new haircut done, go for a massage with aroma oils, and update your wardrobe. This new look might bring you admirers and could make your spouse sit up and notice.
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Never Say No To Plans:
Stop saying no to the plans your friends and family make. If they want you to join in their picnic, long drive or a short outing, go with them. You may not be in the mood to have fun, but fun is what exactly you want at this time. It will give you confidence that you have several loving people around you. This will help you face your spouse, talk to them and sort out the problems between you.
Do I Need Health Insurance To Receive This Service
The referral service is free of charge. If you have no insurance or are underinsured, we will refer you to your state office, which is responsible for state-funded treatment programs. In addition, we can often refer you to facilities that charge on a sliding fee scale or accept Medicare or Medicaid. If you have health insurance, you are encouraged to contact your insurer for a list of participating health care providers and facilities.
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You Forget The Special Days
You remember the assignment your children have to submit on Monday and the meeting you have to attend, but you do not remember your anniversary. Special days like birthdays and anniversaries bring a spark into our routines. But if you and your spouse forget such important days, it means that you no longer value them or care to have that spark in your lives.
Once Youve Completed The 5 Parts Above Move Onto Your Final Relationship Action Item
As with most relationship issues, theres a 3-step process for helping get to the bottom of the problem:
Thoughtful self-reflection, where you attempt to understand the way you feel
A loving invitation, to your partner, into a conversation that addresses how you feel and why
A conversation with your partner, where you discuss what this means for your relationship and how to move forward
Each of the above 5 questions and action items begins the first part of that three-step processmeaning, they help you reflect on the current state of things.
If and when youre ready, we urge you to initiate steps two and three with your partner. Invite them into a conversation and attempt to discuss your relationship gently, with the primary goal of understanding both sides of the equation.
And if at any time you feel like you need a counselor, leverage Lasting or the EFT therapy network.
1. The Lasting couples counseling app
Simply download the Lasting app and subscribe to unlock your entire research-backed couples counseling program, which consists of assessments, exercises and audios. Subscribing costs just $12 per month or $80 per year. 94% of couples who do Lasting together see new relationship strengths.
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