Sometimes There Is Nothing You Can Do And You Have To Accept This
Once a panic attack begins, there is nothing you can do to stop it. It has to run its course. With anxiety, there are ways to stop it, but again, sometimes your partner just has a bad day and cant reach their methods and thought-stopping processes in time. I would encourage you to be supportive, patient, and loving during these episodes. Often times, people with anxiety can recognize when their thoughts are going dark, but at the same time, they may not be able to pull themselves out of it before the point of no return. Do not become frustrated because you cannot help. You help us the most by just being there.
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Reduce Your Wifes Anxiety And Improve Your Marriage
Stop feeling powerless in the face of anxiety.
As a couples therapist, Ive worked with many husbands throughout the years who say a big problem in their marriage is their wifes anxiety.
Men can certainly experience anxiety as well, but I see more women present with anxiety. This falls in line with scientific research which consistently shows that women are 1.5-2 times more likely to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
To help reduce a wifes anxiety, a husband can validate his wifes fear even if he doesnt share it. The husband should not try to fix his wifes anxiety or make the issue about himself. Instead, he should show empathy, be curious about her fears by asking questions, and paraphrase back her worries to show he hears her.
This is a particularly tricky dynamic because for a lot of men, when faced with a problem, their instinct is usually to fix it. But anxiety especially someone elses anxiety isnt as simple as going out and buying the right tools from Home Depot.
So, lets dive into how each partner can support themselves and each other in this situation.
Remind Them This Isnt Forever
Whatever is causing your spouses anxiety, it can be helpful to remind them that this season wont last forever. Situations will resolve, emotions will calm, and difficult times will get better. Just remind them to hold on, and that youre with them every step of the way.
If your spouses anxiety is debilitating or making it difficult to function in everyday life, it may be time to seek professional help. Encourage your spouse to see a professional counselor for additional support if this is the case.
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Keep Doing Things That You Both Enjoy
Depression, like many mental health problems, can take over your life. Its important to remember and remind your partner that the depression diagnosis is only a part of their identity. They also have many other roles and interests. Being able to fulfil these roles is a big part of recovery.
We know that exercise and staying active can protect our mental health. You may like to suggest going for a walk or visiting your favourite places. Keep trying but dont push too much if they arent ready to join you.
You may notice gradual changes in their mood, rather than a massive improvement from one moment to the next.
How To Strengthen Your Relationship
To make your relationship the best it can be, Dr. Borland recommends attending couples counseling and doing small activities together regularly, whether thats cooking a meal, seeing a movie or tackling a neglected DIY project
Depression is like a leaky basement. So work on repairingthe cracks and other damage to your foundation to prevent irreparable harm. Youcan strengthen and protect yourrelationship even in the face of depression.
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Your Partner May Avoid Certain Places Or Situations
Avoidance is a key feature of anxiety. Unless you’re both on the same page, it can cause a rift in your relationship.
Though it may not seem like a big deal to you, certain tasks can be too much to handle for them. Your partner with anxiety may never chip in certain situations because doing so involves the thing that triggers anxiety, Daitch explained.
What Should You Not Say To Someone With Anxiety
What should you not say to someone with anxiety? Youre an anxious personNo one wants to be labeled for something that causes them immense stress and pain. Why would you be anxious about that?This response implies that they should not be anxious and their response is unjustified. Just dont think about it 5.
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Temptations To Act Out
Depression affects people in different ways.
Women are more likely to experience severe feelings of guilt, sadness, or worthlessness. The National Institute of Mental Health reveals that men are more likely to act out as a symptom of depression, often overdrinking, turning to drugs, becoming abusive, irritable, or behaving recklessly.
Temptations to act out can ruin your relationship.
Acting out may involve drug use, gambling, or stepping outside of your relationship for sexual intimacy. Cheating on a partner, regardless of your mental state, causes distrust, lowers self-esteem, and creates feelings of resentment.
Seeking marriage therapy can help you understand what you are feeling and undo the urge to act out recklessly in your relationship.
How To Deal With A Spouse With Anxiety And Depression
It is extremely important for partners of those with an anxiety disorder to take care of themselves. These tips will help you cope: Dont give up your own life and interests. Maintain a support system. Set boundaries. Seek professional help for yourself, if necessary.
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Stay Positive And Get Active
What if your spouse refuses to go to therapy? You may feel hopeless, but try to stay positive, because depression often is treatable, Barber says. Although your spouse may need to stick with therapy and/or medication for a few months, up to 90% of people with depression do improve with treatment.
âWhatâs important is to give them affection. You may feel rejected. But itâs situational, and their behavior is just part of the depression,â he says. âBe encouraging. Invite them to do more activities together that are fun. Do something active like exercise. Depression often causes lethargy. Invite your spouse to go for a walk or to the beach if you have one nearby.â
Whether your spouse agrees to go to therapy or not, there are a few things you should not do in response to their anger or denial, Ben-David says.
âAvoid blaming or attacking them for their behaviors. Donât keep saying, âYou did this, and it made me feel bad.â Bargaining with them is also generally not helpful. Taking an all or nothing approach doesnât work,â he says. âInstead, suggest healthy activities that you can do together or with friends that you trust. Go to an outdoor concert or listen to music that you both enjoy. One behavior that I sometimes prescribe for couples is to read to each other. This has a nurturing quality and can help with bonding.â
Update Your Knowledge About Depression And Anxiety Disorders:
Anxiety and depression involve chaotic and unusual behaviors that your mind will be unable to grasp if you do not understand how they work.
Considering someone has to be the rational one, educate yourself about the symptoms of anxiety and depression.
You will be better able to navigate your way if you know what is happening with your spouse.
Surf the internet for this purpose or talk with a professional to enlighten yourself. Ignorance will cause panic to set in as we fear things that we are unable to decipher.
Considering your spouse will be caught up in their vicious circle of grief and hopelessness, it is up to you to lead them out of the misery.
So gather some authentic knowledge to have the upper hand in the situation.
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If You Think Your Partner May Be Depressed Your First Step Is To Pay Attention To The Clues To Get The Right Diagnosis And Treatment Here’s What To Look For And How To Take Action
When one spouse is depressed, a marriage is depressed, says Fran Walfish, relationship psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, CA, author, and co-host of Sex Box TV. This illness erodes emotional and sexual intimacy and suffuses a relationship with pessimism and resentment, anger and isolation, she explains. Even the sunniest, most capable partner can be pulled into depressions strong undertow. For example, you may be overwhelmed by extra household chores that your partner is too lethargic to finish, resentful because your spouse wont just snap out of it, or feel that youre somehow to blame for the illness itself. You may feel alone yet unwilling to tell anyone theres depression in your household, or you may simply wonder when the sparkle and joy, and the humor and fun seeped out of your relationship. A challenging marriage can worsen depression, but it doesnt in and of itself cause it.
How Anxiety Can Impact Your Relationship
If you are dating someone with anxiety, it is likely your loved one spends a lot of time worrying and ruminating on everything that could go wrong or already be wrong with the relationship. Here are some examples of negative thoughts and questions that might be running through their brain:
- What if they dont love me as much as I love them?
- What if theyre lying to me?
- What if theyre hiding something from me?
- What if theyre cheating on me?
- What if they want to cheat on me?
- What if they like someone else more?
- What if my anxiety ruins our relationship?
- What if we break up?
- What if they dont text me back?
- What if Im always the first one to reach out?
- What if they ghost on me?
Most people have at least a few of these negative thoughts. They are a normal part of being in a relationship, especially a new one.
People with an anxiety disorder, however, tend to have these anxious thoughts more frequently and more intensely.
We tend to experience more anxiety when we focus on negative thoughts rather than positive ones.
The anxious thoughts cause physiological symptoms, including shortness of breath, insomnia and an anxiety or panic attack. Someone with anxiety can react to relationship stress with a fight-or-flight response as if the stress were a physical attack.
Sometimes anxious thoughts motivate your partner to act in ways that stress you out and strain the relationship.
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You Only See The Tip Of The Iceberg
Your partner gets worked up about things. But do you really understand what they’re struggling with? “Some people just don’t disclose all the depths, all the scary parts, of their anxiety in detail to the person who in theory is closest to them,” Tyler said. “They’re trapped with their own anxiety.”
Let your partner know you want to hear their thoughtsno matter how scary.
Encouraging Your Partner To Try Individual Or Couples Therapy
When you care for someone, its tempting to support them by trying to act as a surrogate therapist. The problem is youre not a therapist. Trying to play that role will be emotionally draining. It could make you resent your partner.
You are not responsible for providing therapy to your partner. This is why you should gently guide your partner toward professional help. A therapist can help them improve how they deal with anxiety, in and outside a relationship.
If youre in a serious, long-term relationship, consider couples counseling. An anxiety issue might be based on what is going on within your relationship.
Getting professional help by working with a couples counselor can take the pressure off your partner. Rather than encouraging them to do something on their own, you are inviting them to join you in therapy.
What happens in couples counseling?
In couples counseling, you and your partner will gain insight into your relationship, learn how to effectively resolve conflicts, and improve your overall relationship satisfaction through various therapeutic techniques. Therapists will often assign tasks to the couple so that they can apply the skills learned in therapy in their daily interactions. Most couples conclude therapy with a better understanding of their relational patterns and heightened communication skills, allowing them to continue their relationship in a much healthier, more fulfilling way.
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Be Your Partners Stress
Heres the good news:
While you cant fix your wifes anxiety, you do have the power to make a difference in how she experiences it.
You can add to her stress and anxiety by becoming angry, defensive, and shutting down.
Or, you can be a stress reducer a safe haven for your wife when shes battling the storm. The key is to listen to your wife the way she wants to be listened to.
In order to do this, there are four things I want you NOT to do, and three things I want you TO DO in your conversations with your wife about her anxiety.
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Understand The Dos And Donts While Dealing With Your Spouse:
Being the closest person to your spouse, you will be their first line of defense against this problem.
Your partner would heavily depend upon you for emotional support, and what you say or do will impact them. So be wise in your dealings and remember that your spouse is not their usual self.
A thing that might seem normal for you to say can sound insensitive to your depressed spouse.
Do not sound accusatory and do not disregard their depression by telling them they have everything.
Instead, observe their small changes in lifestyle and let them know you have noticed and that you care.
Sometimes all a person needs is a good listener who will handle the tantrums with love and care. All you need to do is be there for them and prove yourself to be a reliable support system they can lean on.
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Ways To Deal With Mental Illness In A Spouse
Mental health disorders like depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder can produce symptoms in someone that is frustrating for someone else to deal with. Although there are various challenges associated with living with someone with mental illness, there are techniques you can put into practice to make life easier for you and your spouse.
Assist Them In Finding Help
Studies done to help uncover how to help someone with anxiety and depression show psychotherapy applied alone or together with pharmacology, can be helpful in symptom management. Therapists learn how to treat people with anxiety, and they can provide the help you cant and shouldnt .
If your partner is not attending therapy, assist them in finding adequate help. Also, consider having separate sessions to learn how to handle people with anxiety better and take care of yourself in the process. Therapy can make the process of learning how to help your partner with anxiety much easier on both of you.
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The Relationship Between Anxiety And Depression
Helpful Links
While anxiety is generally considered a high-energy state and depression a low-energy state, anxiety and depression are more closely related than you might think. A person with depression often experiences a lot of anxiety, possibly even to the extent of having panic attacks.1
Anxiety disorders involve more than common nervousness and worry. They can cause terrifying fear about things other people wouldnt think twice about. Many people with anxiety disorders fully comprehend that their thoughts are irrational. But they still cant stop them. Feelings of losing inner control haunt them. This angst is one of the entry ways for depression.2
Be Sensitive To Their Triggers
If you know they get an instant panic attack at the sight of vomit, close the bathroom door when you need to puke. If the idea of death makes them hyperventilate, give them a heads up before they decide to get into Game of Thrones. Basically, donât be a jerk. The ADAA says that 8.7 percent of the US population suffers from a specific phobia, so if your partner suffers from any type of anxiety disorder, chances are good that they also have something specific that terrifies them. While you shouldnât feel like youâre walking around eggshells around your partner, taking reasonable steps to make sure theyâre as relaxed as possible will keep both of you much happier.
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Dont Wait For Your Spouse To Hit Bottom
Letting a depressed person sink low before offering help is an old-school approach borrowed from the early days of alcohol and drug addiction treatment. But the reasoning behind it is flawed and dangerous. Long-term depression is harder on your marriage, tougher to treat, and more likely to recurplus, it leaves its victim in despair, Walfish says. The most chilling risk: It leaves open the very real possibility of suicide. About 60 percent of people who attempt suicide have major or minor depression or another mood disorderand depressed men are four times more likely than depressed women to take their own lives, according to the National Institutes of Mental Health. Dont miss these 14 signs of suicide.
Questions To Figure Out The Impact Of Their Symptoms
These arent questions to diagnose whether or not your partner has depression, anxiety, bipolar, or related disorders. Thats something for you both to find out with the help of a mental health professional.
Instead, these questions are designed to help you determine if your partners symptoms are getting the upper hand:
- Are you sleeping more or less than you normally do?
- Are you eating more or less than you normally do?
- Are you tasting your food when you eat?
- Do you feel tired no matter how much you sleep?
- Are you capable of enjoying things right now?
- Is it hard for you to do personal grooming?
- Are you having thoughts of your own death?
Karen reminds us that theres a difference between simply feeling down and experiencing symptoms of clinical depression. These questions help determine which is happening.
Julie says that, as a partner, you probably already know the answer to these questions, but asking them helps your partner feel respected and gives them agency.
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