When Dad Has Depression
Rates of depression in women are at least twice the rate in men, and the responsibilities for home and family still fall more heavily on moms than on dads. But when men are depressed, it appears to affect their childrens early development, too.
In one of the first studies to examine mental-health patterns in a nationally representative sample of US dads and their children, published in the Pediatrics, researchers found that a childs chances of developing emotional or behavioral problems increase if the father shows signs of depression.
It also appears that becoming a father raises a young mans risk of depression, although obviously hormonal changes arent to blame. Another issue of Pediatrics carried a study showing that among fathers living with their children, depression scores rose an average of 68 percent over the first five years of a childs life.
Whats now known as perinatal depression in womenthe change from postpartum reflects a growing understanding that depressions in new mothers often emerge during pregnancyhas become better recognized and studied in the past decade. Depression in dads, not so much.
Thats why the Fathers Mental Health Network was created. A first for Canada, the networks main program, launched out of St. Josephs Health Centre in Toronto, accepts referrals to see expecting and new dads with mental health concerns.
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Your Guide To Preparing Postpartum Mental Health
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- easy-to-use Postpartum Symptom Review quiz
According to the Pew Research Center, nearly 1 in 5 parents stay home to raise and nurture their children instead of staying in the workforce during this time. That is 20% of parents who care for other full time without a break .
Theres an argument that, in comparison to working parents, stay at home moms and dads experience higher rates of depressive symptoms. Lets dive deep into the signs of stay at home mom depression and how to cope with it while still nurturing your sweet babies.
We’re Our Own Worst Critics
There’s little anyone can say about me that I haven’t already thought of myself and, still, the opinion of others means so much to me. I hate letting people down , and when I do, I never get over it. Ever. So trust me when I say that if you’re disappointed in anything I’ve said or done, I’ve already beaten you to it years ago.
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Adjust Expectations & Ask For Help
When it comes to action, the key strategies are adjusting your expectations and enlisting allies. Of course, that means you have to be willing to reach out for help.
One Chicago woman says that even when her depression was severe, her daughter hasnt lacked for care because her husband and other relatives stepped forward with support.
I have a hard time asking people for help, says Jennifer. Ive been lucky that I have people in my life who recognize that.
Jennifer has had depressive episodes for nearly two decades, but nothing as intense as the one after her daughter was born four years ago. Her husband, an attorney, took three weeks off from work and helped her find a therapist and a psychiatrist specializing in postpartum issues. Her sister, mother, and mother-in-law babysat while Jennifer trained in cognitive and dialectical behavioral skills for managing her depression.
When symptoms recurred in a serious episode a couple of years later, Jennifers husband shortened his work hours, took care of dinner when she didnt want to cook, and encouraged her to hire a babysitter on days she had therapy sessions.
He wants the best not only for me, but for our daughter, she says.
Sometimes that kind of support needs to be carefully cultivated, even when it feels uncomfortable to push. That was the case when Maggie approached her husband with a request.
That was hard because he thought hed been helping, and I didnt want to make him feel worse.
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Stay At Home Mom Anger
Anger as a stay at home mom is also something to note as normal! Loud noises, cleaning up the same mess all day, and feeling touched out are all paths towards anger and irritability for any parent. However, if you are spending more time angry than you are spending time not being angry, this would be something to talk with a mental health professional about.
Read Also: Going Through A Depressive Episode
The Best And Worst Parts Of Being A Mom With A Mental Illness
Even the bad days are ones that we can learn from.
National Institute of Mental Health , 1 in 5 adults has a mental health condition. That makes me 1 of over 46 million.
I have anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder and have for many years. And while the former makes me nervous and fearful when I am anxious, my heart pounds, my legs shake, and my mind and thoughts begin to race the latter makes me full of confidence and energy or void of feeling. Bipolar II is characterized by hypomanic highs and crippling lows, and this affects my parenting.
Some days I am present and fun. I dance in the kitchen with my daughter and sing in the bathroom while bathing my son. But other days the exhaustion is so great I cannot move. I struggle to get out of bed. I am also very irritable. I snap without cause or reason, and this makes me inconsistent at best.
I have held my children and hurt them. Ive fulfilled their dreams and caused them to be disappointed.
But its not all bad. In some ways, I am thankful for my mental illness because bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder has made me a better wife, friend, and mom.
Heres how my mental illness has affected me and my children.
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Things That Make You Feel Like A Depressed Mom And Strategies To Help
I believe that this time where the kids are so tiny and dependent on you is one of the hardest mentally for mothers.
Life is completely different now than ever before, and its a tough adjustment.
If youve been feeling depressed and blue, know that you are not alone. Its not something to be ashamed of, and there is hope!
Read Also: Signs Of Depression And Anxiety In Teens
Depression And Motherhood: How To Beat Depression As A Mom
If you are someone who struggles with depression or self-doubt, then youve had many days when you just dont feel like it. If youre a mom who struggles with depression, then youve had many days when that depression has affected your ability to be a great mom.
I have struggled with depression from as far back as I can remember. Then I struggled with postpartum depression twice .
Some days are so bad that I literally start affecting everyone else in the house. If you have a good relationship with your kids, your mental state your mental energy will affect theirs simply because they care about you.
There are, however, some things I do to remain positive and keep positive energy in my home. So that even on the days when I am at my lowest, I 1.) dont lash out at my family and the people around me , and 2.) I am able to pull myself up out of the rut.
Thats what I will share in this post. Five tips for dealing with depression as a mom. PS: It should be mentioned that the tips Ill share in this post can also be used by dads and pretty much anyone who struggles with depression.
We Can’t Snap Out Of It Or Just Think Positive Thoughts
At any given moment, I have intrusive, negative thoughts. This is a direct result of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder , which is connected to my depression. They’re intertwined in an attempt to pull me from any happiness, no matter how deserving.
Some don’t know how to respond to depression, so instead of getting into the gritty specifics, they’ll throw around these phrases like “choose to be happy” or “think positive.” As great as those things sound , they don’t apply to someone with a mental illness. It has to do with chemicals inside the brain, not a lack of positive affirmations.
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I Didnt Think It Could Be Ppd Because I Didnt Have It With My First Two Kids
About two days after the birth of my third son, I knew something was wrong. It felt like a heavy weighted blanket. I was crying all the time. I would watch my baby sleep, and I was so overwhelmed with love for him but felt so sad. Sad for all of the pain he would endure throughout his life, sad because I couldnt protect him, sad because I felt crazy and that he had a crazy mom. I was worried that he wouldnt like me.
At first, I didnt think it could be PPD, because I didnt have it with my first two kids 12 and eight years prior. I hid it from my partner well, being home alone all day. But he began growing concerned when I would have a panic attack whenever he touched me. I couldnt even sleep in the same bed with him. About two days later within a week of giving birth I asked him to call my midwife because I wouldnt be able to talk on the phone without crying. She put me on an antidepressant, which helped within days. I continued taking the medication for several years.
I want other moms to know that PPD is real, and you are not crazy. Just because someone doesnt understand what youre going through doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt. Communicate with your health care provider sooner than later there is hope.
Jennifer Snyder, professional organizer, Waco, TX
The Effect Of Depression On Children:
Depression is not a disease that affects only the person who suffers from it. Just as your depression can impact you, it also impacts those around you. You may find that your children are affected by your depression, or they might even be able to help in some ways.
Being a mother while experiencing depression can be very isolating and challenging for both parties. Depression should not be hidden awayit must be talked about openly to bring positive change to our lives and those around us.
Read Also: Can You Be Depressed Without Being Diagnosed
Accept Assistance From Family Friends And Trusted Neighbors:
To be a good mom when depressed, Your primary responsibility is to your children, but if you are going through a depressive episode, you may need help with the day-to-day tasks of raising them.
Make sure to ask for assistance when you need it. Dont be afraid to ask for help with laundry or meals doing things this way will allow the children and yourself some time off from one another without feeling guilty about it.
If someone in your life had offered their services before but was turned away for reasons such as its not worth their time or I have no problem doing it myself, consider accepting their offer this time.
This person might just be looking for an opportunity just like this one!
Disrupted Attachment And Bonding
When parents struggle with the low energy, lack of joy, and the social withdrawal depression causes, they cant engage fully with their children. They may even have trouble mustering energy to take care of a childs basic needs, so children learn to rely on themselves when parents are too hard to reach.
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Theres Virtually No Break From The Routine
Not only is there so much to do, its often the same tasks on repeat, making one day feel almost exactly like the next without a break. And, there isnt the kind of distraction that a job brings says Dr. Mellin. For working mothers, theres the challenge of juggling these two major tasks, but the advantage is each gives the other some perspective. Stay-at-home moms dont have that kind of ongoing context.
Getting Treatment And Seeking Support
Macari notes that getting treatment for your depression is the best way to protect the mental health of your children. The good thing is that there are a lot of interventions for parents with depression, Macari says. Effective treatments for depression often include both therapy and medication, and support groups can also help. Additionally, Macari notes that family therapy can be a way to help kids and adults build communication and coping skills together.
Its also important to enlist other adults in supporting you and your family while youre dealing with depression. For instance, you might have a couple of friends and family members on call to step in when youre not feeling up to daily tasks. Setting up this support on days when youre feeling better means that your whole family will be under less stress during harder times. Cruz says that, even when shes spiraling, having a support system has been crucial, and that network includes therapy, her mother, and her pastor. When shes down, shes grateful for the support of loved ones who are able to pitch in.
Depression comes with an increased risk of thinking about and attempting suicide, so be sure to reach out for help if youre having thoughts of suicide. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline offers free, 24/7 support across the United States.
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Its Ok That You Feel This Way There Is Hope
There is often a sense of shame or embarrassment on the part of the depressed person. Many people with depression sometimes feel that there is something wrong with them, or that they have no real reason to feel depressed. On the other hand, there are those who may feel there are good reasons to be depressed.
Let Mom or Dad know that its OK for them to feel the way that theyre feeling, and that its not their fault. Depression is a legitimate health condition that affects millions of people, and countless individuals have learned to manage mental illness with the help of therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes your mom or dad can, too. Make sure that they know help is available and its nothing to be ashamed about.
When Parents Have Depression The Whole Family Feels It To Help Everyone Involved Its Important To Be Clear And Honest When Things Arent Going Well
Everyone in the family feels it when Mom has depression. She might fall behind on daily responsibilities, slip away to be by herself, and have an increasingly short fuse. Children who dont understand that fatigue, withdrawal, and irritability are symptoms of a psychiatric illness may start to act out or blame themselves for the changes happening around them.
Other adults in the house arent immune to the added stress of Moms depression, either. To help the familyand to help the family help Momits important to be clear and honest about whats going on when things arent going well.
That means using age-appropriate language with kids and direct language with partners.
Experts agree theres not a one-size-fits-all set of instructions on how much to say to kids and what words to use.
Every parent needs to decide that based on their childs personality, says Karen Israel, LPC, a psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas. Some children, even younger ones, will be naturally compassionate, understanding, and helpful. Others will struggle far more, which makes how you communicate so vital.
A most important piece is to be very clear with the child that they are not the cause of their mothers sadness, anxiety, irritability, or anger.
An important corollary: Reassure your child that youre doing all you can to get better. In fact, for some women, realizing the trickle-down effects of their depression becomes an important motivator for recovery.
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What If I Don’t Know What To Say
Don’t wait to talk just because you’re not sure what to say. You can keep it simple. You can start just by saying, “Got a minute? I need to talk.” Then say what’s on your mind. For example, “I’ve been feeling down a lot lately. I think I should talk to you about it.” The person you’re talking to might ask you to tell them more. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to get started talking.
What Causes Depression In Stay
As the previously mentioned Gallup poll illustrates, stay-at-home moms are more likely to experience depression than working moms. Isolation and loss of identity are two potential causes for this. It can be a very weird feeling to feel lonely in a house full of people, Wright says, reiterating that even if it feels weird, its not uncommon.
Additionally, stay-at-home moms may feel a pressure for their kids and household to be perfect, Wright explains. This pressure can come from a partner or from society, she says, adding that these expectations are unrealistic. A mom may look on Instagram and see another mom posting cutely-made organic lunches when she can barely get a PB& J together and this can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, fear or disappointment.
For new moms, another cause of depression can be hormones. One in seven women experiences postpartum depression, a mood disorder associated with childbirthPostpartum Depression. National Library of Medicine. Accessed 9/9/2022. .
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How To Deal With A Depressed Mom
Knowing your role when your mother suffers from depression is not easy, but there are a few things you can do if your mom is depressed. The first one is to support her.
Do Some Research on Depression
First of all, you need to familiarize yourself with the symptoms of this condition, which can include mood swings, changes in sleep and appetite, or lack of energy. You should also watch out for increases in alcohol consumption or drug abuse, including prescription medication or sleeping pills.
Speak With Your Depressed Mom
The second thing you can do is approach your potentially depressed mom and remind her how important she is to you. Talking about depression straight away can be daunting, so you can just start from a place of concern and care. If they somehow mention considering ending their lives, you should seek help straight away. Something like I dont want to be here anymore should be more than enough for you to get hold of a doctor or a psychotherapist.
Remember to stay vigilant. Sometimes, what looks like a sudden recovery is nothing but a preparation to die. Although it can be scary, recognizing suicidal behaviors is key to monitor a depressed individual. Depressed moms who are contemplating ending their lives often show signs, such as:
- Saying goodbye to people